ArmyWife-Style

I Went Shopping!

2012-02-15T08:32:00.001-05:00

So as you know I've been talking about how I have closet full of clothes and nothing to wear and how I need to change up my style.I finally bit the bullet and did some shopping over the weekend. I'm not sure what my purchases say about my style... Not sure what I'd classify myself as, but I'm all over the place and like so much stuff. But I did stick to my rule, no buying plain boring stuff.And now you can copy what I bought

link

Next up? Accessories. I have my eye on a few things (or is it eyes? I'm not a cyclops, but I am confused).
Also I'm sorry I've been so lame lately. I have a lot going on, it will become clear soon. Obviously not pregnant, see above purchases, none are belly friendly. But I have a lot on my plate and my brain can't really process much more than that right now. So it's all clothes clothes clothes, hair, diet pepsi, spend money, bossing people around by giving advice. because that is how I deal with stress. And man am I stressed. That paragraph was like vaguebooking except this isn't facebook. Oh and I'm also working on redesigning my mom's blog and that is taking up a lot of time, because I will not rest until I have it exactly how I want it, and I'm artistically challenged, sooo it's a process.
don't forget to vote daily!

It's Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T08:13:00.000-05:00

Today is one of the many days of the year where you can sort morons from people who are intelligent. How you ask?The morons will be saying "ValentiMes." This is one of my many pet peeves. It needs to be added to the list. Because seriously. Awful. Here is what a card would look like from an idiot.

So happy Valentine's day. Because if you read this I like to assume you are not an idiot.
don't forget to vote daily!

CrockPot Beef Burgundy

2012-02-13T08:02:00.001-05:00

So this recipe is a jambotha of all of the beef burgundy recipes I've tried, with my own twist, and really I'd like to think of it as my own. And there is no "original" recipe for me to link back to. This is a Krista original.You're welcome.Most of the recipes I've tried want you to use bacon, which doesn't do well in the crock pot, or they want you to chop up an onion which I'm not a fan of. Or they call for carrots which turn out crappy in the crock pot, or they call for weird spices I've never heard of. This is basic.
So my crockpot is a 6 qt, I think and this fits with room to spare.
Ingredients:1.5-2 lbs of beef stew meat, or beef cut into bite size chunks1 c. dry red wine, burgundy is best, but merlot will do if you, like me, are too lazy to go out and get burgundy.3 packets/cubes beef buillion dissolved in 1.5 c. of water OR 1.5 cups beef broth1/3 c flour2 T garlic powder2 T onion powder1 T oregano1 t garlic salt1 t onion saltsalt and pepper to taste

DirectionsBrown meat in frying pan (meat tastes like bumhole if you just throw it in the crock pot with out browning it first, at least in my opinion, if it doesn't bother you, skip that step)

Throw everything in the crock pot together, I do liquids first. but really? It doesn't matter.

Turn on low.
Cook for 6-7 hours or longer if you forget. I stir it every couple of hours because I like to watch progress and I'm home but you could totally throw it in there and leave and come home to dinner.

Next up boil some water and throw the egg noodles all up in that shit.

Drain noodles (do we really need to do this step by step)?
Serve. Obviously beef burgundy goes on top of noodles.

And that is how you pretend like making dinner was super hard. It comes out delicious. Mine however was low sodium due to the Barbarian and needed salt and I put too much on. Whoops.

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Reactions To Whitney Houston's Death. A Summary.

2012-02-12T23:33:00.000-05:00

"OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE WHITNEY HOUSTON DIED!"
"wow we give some lame drug addict a ton of attention when she dies. here are some links to real heroes who died this week."
"why is everyone mocking whitney houston's death? :("
"I will always love youuuuu"
"whitney finally beat bobby brown to something"
and this in summary is what all the facebook status/tweets I saw on Twitter.I personally don't have a reaction because I'm too young to remember her in her hey-day and I mostly remember Bobby Brown digging a poop nugget out of her bum. But she did teach me an important lesson "Crack is cheap. I make too much money to ever smoke crack. Let's get THAT straight. Crack is whack."

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We have a winner!

2012-02-11T17:11:00.000-05:00

don't forget to vote daily!

If You're One Of Us Then Roll With Us

2012-02-10T08:08:00.000-05:00

(Ke$ha month is back, with it's one day hiatus after it's premiere).

I was stuck in the 290s for GFC followers for like 2 weeks. I really just wanted to break 300.And on Tuesday it finally happened!

And tonight we are at 305.So congrats to you my 305 public followers and 60 private (and 8 blog lovin').You are the most awesome people on the internet! I should have posted this on Tues/Wed but let's face it. I'm lazy. And I was drunk.

don't forget to vote daily!

My Theory On Why Karina Isn't Talking Yet

2012-02-09T07:57:00.002-05:00

So Karina doesn't even really have any words at all yet. I'm not too worried, but over the weekend the Barbarian and I came up with a theory on why she isn't talking.We learned when I was pregnant that the f sound is hard for babies to make at first. So Karina can't make it yet.But the word she probably is saving for her first word starts with an f...So we figure once she can make it she will say her first word.Which is bound to be "fuck"

don't forget to vote daily!

Our Love Story Link Up

2012-02-08T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've seen this a few places today, and thought it looked awesome so here I am linking up :)

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

4 years next month :)

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}

I was best friends in college with Masha, and she was telling me about how her brother had just gotten out of the Navy and was annoying her because he had no friends in Boston and would I please hang out with him? So I met him one afternoon and she begged me to hang out with him that night. So I told him to meet me back at my dorm, I remember being giddy as I was getting ready. We really hit it off that night, and we've been together ever since.

3. If married, how long have you been married? If not, is this the guy you hope to marry? {do tell}

a little over 3 years

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding? If not, where would you like to get married? And will it be big or small?

We got married by justice of the peace in his converted parlor. We eloped

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

Babe! Babe! and when he wants something or knows he's an asshole I'm "honey bunny"

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

He is an amazing father, he balances me, and he is a great husband who rarely complains

7. Tell us how he proposed? Or your ideal proposal?

"so when are we going to make this official?" He better make up for that someday

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

He's more of a jewelry/perfume guy

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

I am more of a let's walk around the city type, but out of those 2, pop in a movie and couch it up.

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?

I'd love to take a Mediterranean cruise, a long one.

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day.

No plans yet, we are so boring.

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?

No.

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love.

Arguments end but your love lasts and staying mad is just time you could have spent having fun

14. Show us a picture of what love means to you.

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It’s making my brain delirious

2012-02-08T08:19:00.000-05:00

Day 1 of all Ke$ha February, because that's what my OnDemand tells me to do?

I'm drunk.

Like Ke$ha, so I totally understand her. Duh.

I have mentioned on a few occassions that my husband and I have some language barriers, this is what happens when your husband isn't a completely native English speaker.

When we first started dating he though waffles were called "wafflers."

He was wrong.

As usual.

Well this weekend I went grocery shopping and was in the Eggos area looking for breakfast stuff for the bean.

And I found these.

Now the Barbarian thinks he is right. And that waffles are "wafflers" and I've been an asshole for the past 4 years.

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Anything But Your Blog Hop!

2012-02-07T08:42:00.000-05:00

So this hop originally started because Google Friend Connect is going away for all non-blogger blogs and the whole google + thing really isn't catching on. But we all have things like twitter, facebook pages, blog lovin', RSS feeds, pinterest etc. So this hope has been renamed... Anything but your blog hop. Which is just like it sounds, link up any of your stuff but your blog! There are so many normal blog hops but this sets ours apart from the rest, the fact that we want to optimize everything BUT google friend connect (though I'm sure no one will hate you if you follow some one on GFC). As usual I am hosting with Annie from Letters to Mo and Ronni from Anywhere Is
Spread the word! the more people who know about this, the better for you (and us!). Tweet it, Facebook it, whatever.

<a href="http://www.armywife-style.com"  title="Army Wife Style"><img src="http://i1192.photobucket.com/albums/aa339/lilrongal/everything.jpg" border="0" alt="Everything"></a>

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Closet Full Of Clothes And Nothing To Wear

2012-02-06T08:33:00.001-05:00

So I recently posted about how I need to clean out my closet and get rid of ugly/old/ripped/etc stuff. I still haven't.So I am currently left with a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear. I get serious anxiety when I don't have a lot of stuff in my closet, and currently I dont have a lot of stuff I like. So most of my closet is no man's land.

Problem? now that I'm practically an adult with real bills and a baby... I feel bad going shopping. Luckily I get to go on a small shopping spree this month. So getting rid of stuff shouldn't be too sad. I will post an update of my cleaned out closet if/when I ever get around to it.
Currently I have a lot of plain boring pieces... and black tee-shirts. This is going to change. I also have a lot of jeans that don't fit. I will be remedying that situation as well.

don't forget to vote daily!

Since Some of You Are Losing Google Friend Connect

2012-02-04T12:46:00.000-05:00

I added my blog to google+ and also added bloglovin'... This week's social media hop with be a free for all, anything but your blog!So look for that on Tuesday, and in the meantime, check out my giveaway here.

don't forget to vote daily!

It's Time For A Giveaway!

2012-02-03T08:00:00.002-05:00

So I know you've all been seeing a lot of giveaways by My Memories Suite but now it's my turn. I never really got into scrapbooking. It seemed so complicated. I had never even heard of digital scrapbooking until I got an email from My Memories Suite. So I decided to give it a try, it seemed pretty easy, and I was right.They have pre-made pages and you can also make your own. I am not quite at the make your own level yet, but here is an example of what you can make. This literally took me 5 minutes. So easy.

How cute is that? So now you get the chance to win one!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Also don't forget to vote. The more you vote the more giveaways I can do.

The PMS Roller Coaster

2012-02-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

Why do I always talk about vaginas? (my spell check want me to change vaginas to vaginae)
Anyway. So you know that lovely time of the month? This is how it happens. (If my webcam wasn't broken I would have done this myself. Also it's not really broken, I'm just not sure how to use it since I broke my computer a couple of weeks ago).
OMG WHY AM I SO HUNGRY????????

source

I HATE EVERYONE!!!!

source

WHY IS SARAH MCGLACHLIN PUTTING COMMERCIAL OF PUPPIES/KITTIES WITH SAD EYES ON EVERY GOD DAMN TV STATION. SOB SOB SOB

source

WHY IS MY HUSBAND CHEWING SO FRIGGING LOUD, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM, WAS HE RAISED WITH HIPPOPOTAMUS'

source

KARINA IS A BIG GIRL NOW. I NEED A TINY BABY. I KNOW I JUST COMPARED YOU TO A HIPPO AND CALLED YOU AN ASSHOLE BUT LET'S HAVE ANOTHER ONE? (answer= not now you crazy bitch)

tiny Karina *sob*

I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE. STOP BUGGING ME!

source I'm not quite this dramatic. It's close. Also my feet aren't that fugly

WHY ARE YOU IN THE OTHER ROOM? I'M SO LONELY HERE 10 FEET AWAY FROM YOU!

source

I'M NOT CRAZY, YOU SHUT YOUR WHOREMOUTH YOU BARBARIC ASSHOLE!

this picture is awesome for so many things. so many things.

and that is just 15 minutes of PMS week here at casa Crazy. Good thing my birth control typically prevents my period from existing. Let's hope this month was just a fluke. If it's not who wants to adopt my husband for 1 week a month?
Also vote for me. We don't want losers to be number 1, do we?

Wordless Wednesday

2012-02-01T08:03:00.000-05:00

I was up late last night working on this redesign (you like?)So you are getting a semi-wordless Wednesday... Do you remember when I said that I was going to have to feed Karina her bottles until she was in highschool because she refused to hold them herself? Well we have had a breakthrough with the sippy cup. She has been bottle free for 3 days now.

Unfortunately, I have not been. I love moscato a lot.
Oh and take a moment to vote for me as the top baby blog!!!! I love you forever if you do.

New Blog Look And Vote For ME

2012-01-31T23:07:00.001-05:00

Do you like my new lay out? I had some technical difficulties and Kristen from WhiskeyTangoFoxtrot helped me out :)
And if you are extra nice want to give that little bar a click for me? well its 2 clicks but you will live :)

Best Social Media Hop EVER week 3

2012-01-31T08:01:00.001-05:00

I'm hosting the Best Social Media Hop EVER with Annie from Letters to Mo and Ronni from Anywhere Is....

So you're on twitter but don't have tons of cool people to tweet with?

You're in luck because this week the best social media hop EVER is linking up Twitter accounts.

<a href="http://www.armywife-style.com" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i1192.photobucket.com/albums/aa339/lilrongal/hop200x200.jpg"/></a>

Follow the hosts (me, Annie and Ronni) on Twitter and if you are feeling generous let everyone know about this Twitter hop!

when you post your link take out the https:// part or your link will not work!

Lots of Things Going On

2012-01-30T07:59:00.000-05:00

So this week my redesign (that I did all by myself with some input from some of my fav ladies) goes live.
I have a couple of giveaways lined up. (Maybe one this week and one next?)
I start contributing to another page this week... I'll link it here when I go live!
I also have some massive closet overhaul to do. Awful.
I'm redoing my mom's blog.
And writing some awesome posts

So today I try to get everything done, so you are left with this.

as seen on mickey mouse clubhouse a couple of month ago

Goofy jacking off a train.

I Haven't Talked About Tracksuits Lately...

2012-01-27T07:57:00.001-05:00

So somehow Boris' love of tracksuits is not a secret. We have 3 for her in 18 month size. 3. Who needs 3 tracksuits? Karina, apparently.
Her first tracksuits were bought over a year ago, and I wrote about it.
For Christmas my sister in law bought her a pink and blue one, and my grandparents got her this black and white one.

And this is the one she had in her last size (she repeated outfits, the Kardashians would not approve)

A Russian in a tracksuit...
If she was tinier I would search for a onesie with gold chains painted on.
I mostly just wanted to remind you that my husband loves tracksuits and that my child is adorable.
Also expect some big changes coming on the blog. I have leopard print stuff to use.

Changing Up My Style

2012-01-26T07:54:00.002-05:00

Little known fact: I went to college for fashion merchandising....
I seriously used to dress cute.
Hello this blog is called ArmyWifeStyle... Because I used to have style.
Now my closet is full of blah. Plain boring shit, and that? is so not me. And I have shit that is so old and faded and ripped, etc that I am holding onto for some reason. I need to get rid of it.
It needs to change.
I know part of my problem is that I don't want to buy jeans until I am at my goal weight, but that is no excuse to skip buying cute tops.
So this week or weekend I will be cleaning out my closet. Probably this weekend.
I've been talking about cleaning out my closet for weeks, but the task seems so daunting.
When I post pictures you will see why.

I love florals and animal prints, I need more. My closet is a sea of black tee-shirts. That's basically all I wear, must stop.
I need to dress cute again.

Any one have any styles they particularly love?

Vajazzling is so 2011?

2012-01-25T08:09:00.004-05:00

So this weekend a friend posted this on my wall/timeline/timecapsule/whatever the fuck. Because everyone knows I enjoy decorating genitalia, obviously.
What is that article? It's about some spa owner coming out with a line of merkins.
Do you know what a merkin is? I do, because I *heart* historical fiction (and hookers). Merkins were wigs for prostitutes vaginas back in the day. I think they shaved their hoo-has because of crabs, but I'm not 100% and really I'm not going to google. Because googling that shit terrifies me.
I'd probably end up finding tons of Japanese porn sites.
But I was brave enough to google pictures for you...

I like to picture vaginas in a tuxedo merkin, because it says I like to be formal, but I'm here to party
picture credit: http://www.civilizedwildlife.com/blog/2011/03/25/stop-being-such-a-merkin/

picture from wikipedia

So I'm wondering if the merkin market takes off, does this mean that pubic hair is cool again? And does this make vajazzling lame? Because crystals would get lost in all that hair (or under your vagina wig).

Also how do these things stay in place during "the act" do you glue them on?

Best Social Media Hop EVER week 2

2012-01-24T08:00:00.004-05:00

Is your blog or shop on Facebook? You should link up!

This week I'm hosting another social media blog hope with Annie from Letters to Mo and Ronni from Anywhere Is....

Rules:
Follow the hosts on their Facebook sites.

THAT'S IT!

<a href="http://www.armywife-style.com" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i1192.photobucket.com/albums/aa339/lilrongal/hop200x200.jpg"/></a>

These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things

2012-01-23T09:39:00.000-05:00

So I haven't shared my baby crack magic in a while and figured I would show you all the things that keep my baby (and me) happy.

My favorite things for Karina

Activity table, this thing is awesome... it entertains Karina forever and it has different settings like music and Spanish. So if the music annoys you, it can be set to Spanish... Ole!

http://elletraub.tumblr.com/

String cheese. This is like serious crack to my baby/toddler. I don't know why, but the kid could eat this all day long.

Straw sippy, if you will remember back, my child hated all sippy cups and would only drink from a bottle if some one held it. Now she will drink from this.

Baby jail. I think this will always be on my list.

Old school FisherPrice phone, it has a string and Karina likes to drag it around. I like to think of it as her pet.

Dollhouse, Karina likes to open the doors and walk around with the people and she likes to put them on top of the house... So cute. And the toilet flushes! (that was written all over the box it came in).

This is a tub toy and it actually floats? swims? moves? I'm not sure on the proper terminology, but it's cute and it has a song that will make Karina stand up in the tub and wiggle her little bum to.

Now for my favorite things for me:

Lipstain and lipgloss, doesn't come out too bright or too heavy. It's pretty and makes me feel like a celebrity.

Best mascara ever.

So my amazing blowdryer that I bought at a beauty supply store in Roxbury broke a few weeks ago and I replaced it with this, and I love it. It came with a concentrator attachment and a diffuser. And there is a button you press and it retracts the cord. Win all around. And it's pink.

Moroccan oil. For cheap. I love it. It is amazing. Balls to the wall awesome.

For the Barbarian:

Because he needs to shut the fuck up sometimes.

I was featured

2012-01-20T23:20:00.000-05:00

Over at The Fearless Formula Feeder
Check it out.

So Remember Me Complaining About Finger Food?

2012-01-20T08:12:00.002-05:00

Well Karina is doing much better with it.
I decided to stop being a twazzoli and just go for it.
I found my CPR/Heimlich maneuver card I got from doing a first aid class and I felt pretty confident I could handle life.
Unfortunately hippies will cry when they see what I feed my kid. (This is what I realized after going through my pictures).
No soy vegan ravioli and quinoa over here. (Mostly because A. I'd never eat that crap and B. I really just jumped into to the whole let her feed herself thing and therefore the house is stocked with things I eat... And I dont eat healthy).
I decided since finger foods were not coming easy to us I should go for tried and true favorites...
But it makes me feel guilty because I feel like all the other moms are making their kids crazy healthy meals and their kids gobble it up. (I know this is mostly untrue, but mommy guilt is a strange thing). And My kid eats some healthy stuff but everything is on repeat. boring.

that pasta is not whole grain. hippie earth mothers want to smack me.

left over pizza hut... delicious. I won't lie I was eating off her tray.

I let her have a cupcake for lunch on her bday.

So yes. My child is now getting the hang of feeding herself.
But I need to find a way to sneak more healthy stuff in there (and eat it myself).

I Should Totally Be A Life Coach

2012-01-19T08:11:00.000-05:00

So I'm like a beacon to hot messes.
Swear.
People who have lots of problems are drawn to me. I'm a magnet for cray-cray.

And I love it. Because as the oldest child in my family I love being bossy and telling people what to do.
I love to tell people what to do and how to live their lives and I'm also frigging awesome at knowing what people's real problems are. I'm practically a psychologist or just really good at stating the obvious.

So last week after sorting out my friends life for her she posted on my FB that I should be a life coach. And I tend to agree. I would be awesome at it.

People like to think their lives are so complicated and every thing is an issue and what have you. And I'm like hold up. It's actually pretty simple. At least to me, an objective third party. I am not the kind of person who will listen to your problems and be like "I totally agree, it's everyone else's fault but yours!" No. I will tell you exactly what I think. I will not sugar coat it, but I do generally care about people and want the best for them. Which is why I don't sugar coat. When you sugarcoat you basically validate what people are doing. When you are blunt, they see what they are doing wrong.

I don't know if I just know some really stupid people or if I'm actually good at this.
One thing I do know? I love telling people what to do and when they do what I tell them and ta-da! life is better.

But let's be serious, there are some people who need to pay some one like me to get their life on track.
I will probably make them cry.

They will thank me for it though. It's tough love.

If you know anyone who needs their life arranged, send them my way. I will straighten them out.

Example of my awesomeness: I have a friend who has sabotaged every relationship she has been in for stupid reasons like "Oh he still talked to girls after he met me" (but before they were dating). After about a month of going through this I finally just told her that all along I just thought she never wanted to be happy. This was prompted by her, in her new great relationship talking about how she missed her latest ex. You know a guy who abused her and controlled her. Uhh why did you miss him? Oh that's right she didn't, she missed his family. And she missed his family because she actually missed her own family but they were also far away.
Bam. I'm like a rocket scientist.

So basically this is something I may actually try to pursue.

And if your problem is your personality and I can't help you... This can.

I Have No Idea How This Happened...

2012-01-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

Karina is 1 today.
Wasn't it just last week I was yelling "Why don't you have some one stitch up your cock and tell me how you like it"? at the Barbarian?
No? It was a whole year ago that my little munch was born?
So much has happened in the past year.
In Karina's first year of life she has: Flown cross country. Moved. Driven (well technically she was riding in her carseat) cross country. Survived an earthquake. Survived a hurricane. I didn't do any of those things until either I was like 20.
I have no idea how to sum this year up in one post. I really have no idea there is so much to say.
It's been a rollercoaster of awesome.
And she gets cuter and cuter everyday. And smarter too. She is so smart I can't handle it.

And now for a photo montage:

Lots of pictures.

Twitter Tuesday Link Up- Best Social Media Hop EVER

2012-01-17T09:02:00.002-05:00

Do you tweet? Do you want more twitter friends? And maybe you want to find other cool bloggers who tweet? Well look no further. We have a link up for that.
Starting this week Annie from Letters to Mo, Ronni from Anywhere Is... and I will be hosting a link up to social media sites! You are so lucky.

<a href="http://www.armywife-style.com" target="_blank"><img border="0" src="http://i1192.photobucket.com/albums/aa339/lilrongal/t4t200x200.jpg"></a>

Rules:
Follow the hosts on Twitter and Google Friend Connect
Link up to the Best Social Media Hop EVER
Grab the button and paste somewhere on your blog either in a new post or where ever else you want, so other people can find it and link up.
And then tweet about the Best Social Media Hop EVER
Start following people you think are cool!

IF YOU ARE HAVING TROUBLE LINKING UP TAKE THE "S" OUT OF THE HTTPS AT THE BEGINNING OF YOUR LINK. IF YOU HAVE THE S IN THERE IT WON'T WORK

Karina's First Birthday Party... I Suck At Being A Photographer

2012-01-16T09:31:00.000-05:00

Why? Because I only remembered I had a thing called a camera like midway through said party. And then I forgot about it again.

super excited before her party!

relaxing in her pretty petti-skirt

it looks like they are playing nice... but they are not.

yay karina's first cupcake

sticking her fingers in the frosting

the cupcake stand.

A Depiction Of What Happens When You Have Captcha On Your Comments

2012-01-15T07:54:00.000-05:00

Today is Karina's first birthday party... So I leave you with this.

Also if she were on time it would be her first birthday.

Captcha makes me angry.

These Are My Blogging Tips, This Post Could Also Be Called Things Bloggers Do That Piss Me Off

2012-01-13T08:10:00.001-05:00

Hey ladies, I'm just here to help you out. And entertain you also but here are some things that I have noticed a lot of lately that piss me off, and some other things that were brought up by some of blogging buddies Mama G from Growing Up Geeky, Maria from Hello Jack and also Layers of Meaning and Nicole from Real Life Reality. So a lot these are shared pet peeves of all of us.

So I wrote a post already about this one... Music players on your blog.
Please just don't do it. No one wants to hear your crappy music. Honestly I really only want to listen to Shakira, the Foo Fighters and old school rap circa the early 2000s. (honey look good won't you back that ass up?). Actually if anything on your blog makes noise... Get rid of it.

Busy busy backgrounds... It's distracting. And makes your whole blog hard to read.

Fancy text, usually cursive. Again it is hard to read. And I really don't take the time to read your cursive blog. I enjoy not having a head ache.

When people comment and say they are following you, but they aren't.

Comments that are not relevant to the post and just say "Check out my blog/follow me at (website)"

WhEn YoU tYpE LiKe ThIs... This is not AIM circa 2001. Reading that makes my head hurt. And typing it gave me a heart attack/took 5 minutes.

Really bright colors... Obnoxious. Keep it simple. Hot pink=lame.

Blogs that have no content other than reviews and give aways. Boring.

People who only follow you for a give away.

Very cluttered sidebars.

When I can't read the font on your button.

Every post is a meme aka Must Have Monday, Wordless Wednesday, Steppin' Out Saturday etc. (I don't know the other days of the week). Have some personality.

There will possibly be a part 2.

Finger Food Fuckery (Can I Say Fuck On My Blog? YES I CAN!)

2012-01-12T08:03:00.001-05:00

So have I mentioned that I have no idea what to feed my kid? I'm like oh she can't have baby food purees until she's 3?

And I have to start feeding her regular table food now. And I have no idea where to begin.
And lest you forget, this is my daughter, you know the one who is too good to hold her own bottle? Do you have any idea what feeding her real people food is like?

No seriously what kind of kid cries over mac n' cheese?
She was disgusted by it, I think it was the texture because she was all about it when I mixed it into her garden vegetable puree.

Don't most parents have to hide vegetables in their kid's mac n' cheese? Not hide mac n' cheese in their kids vegetables.

She even has this little fake out thing she does. She will pretend to pick up a piece of whatever is on her tray, bring her hand to her mouth, pretend to put something in her mouth and chew, and smile at me. Or she will actually put something in her mouth, and then pretend to put in her mouth but really lets it drop down her bib, pretend to chew and smile at me.
Little sneak, like I can't see that.

this is the fake out

The plus of trying finger foods? Tons of cute pictures of my kid with food.
The downside? Actually getting her to eat them.

waffles!

home made lasagna made with sauce i SLAVED over

grilled cheese. Aka grilled cheesus as she is being taught to call it.

We still are working on getting her to hold her own bottle because really? that shit is getting old.
But tonight we had a sippy cup breakthrough, thanks to my friend J bringing over her daughter who uses a sippy for a play date. (Though it did cause Sipocalypse 2012).

But yeah I don't know why feeding my kid is such rocket science, hence why I call it finger food fuckery.

Also have you checked out my mom's blog Under the Suburban Sun?

Oh and can you spare a click? I'd like to be back on the first page.

My Teen Mom Tweets From Last Night...

2012-01-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

in response to leah saying "i brought a cat home"

because S. Dakota doesn't allow abortions and I was shocked to see people actually live there. side note, maybe because there are no abortions?

Come on did no one else notice her bump it?

Shout out to IBBB with the Queen LaQueefer. But I am Bab's biggest fan.

I translated what keiffer really meant when he said jenelle couldn't handle being his girlfriend. I speak idiot drug addict loser.

So I Had An Idea For A Post Today But Teen Mom 2 Was 2 Hours Last Night

2012-01-11T08:33:00.000-05:00

Teen Mom 2 on Tuesday is the most important day of the week, and usually I write Wednesday's post on Monday so I don't have to worry about it before or after Teen Mom (which I have many alternate names for).
This week I didn't because we watched PanAm on Monday night.

So you get a picture of me, make up free and my baby. Good thing it's Wednesday and I can pretend I don't think Wordless Wednesday is lazy. Well it is lazy. And I'm lazy. We all win.

maybe if I'm less lazy later I'll update with all my tweets about teen mom...
also want to click on that to get me back in the top 25? since I slipped and forgot about it. whoops.

Worst Party Planner Ever.

2012-01-10T08:20:00.006-05:00

So Karina's birthday party is on Sunday.

What have I done for this party? I bought sparkly sprinkles and zebra print cupcake cup things.
That is all.

I don't know what I'm doing for food for sure yet... I only know I'm making chocolate and vanilla cupcakes and probably frosting them in pink. And that I am aiming for leopard print decorations, because I love it.

Everywhere I look I see all these excessive parties for one year olds. And they are cute. But if you do that for the first birthday you have to go big every year.

My motto is aim low, avoid disappointment. If I don't go big this year, I don't have to next year, or any year until she will remember it.

I'm pretty sure Karina won't care that she didn't have a crazy over the top birthday party for her first birthday (though let me tell you, there will be a crazy Barbie and/or princess party happening when she is old enough to enjoy it) and I'm pretty sure I won't regret it. All I want out of this party is a picture of her with her cupcake (I am not doing a smash cake either, bad mommy!).

Also my other issue is that won't I be crying too much over the fact my baby is turning 1 (HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN) to enjoy all the hard work I put into an awesome party? Probably.

Expect pictures of my low budget, low effort, awesome first birthday party next week.

Also I am in no way knocking super awesome over the top 1st birthdays at all. If I was not the kind of person who would feel I'd have to top it every year I'd be all about it. And I love seeing pictures of everyone else's parties. It gives me ideas for next year. Or reminds me that I wish I was more creative. Though I'd like to be the first one to tell you that if you have Barney at your kid's Barney Birthday you better be serving a big fat purple drink with lots of booze to the adults who go.

I'm ready to party. excuse my no make up/bad lighting face with zits.

Also I will be cohosting a Twitter hop happening next week with a couple of my friends. Look for it!
Oh and have you checked out my mom's blog? No? She is a GILF, and she will be at Karina's wicked lame/awesome cheetah birthday. She puts up pictures of me from when I was a teen with tiny boobs and of champagne in a fur stole in front of a fire. What is not to love?

Will Do Anything To Get What I Want

2012-01-09T08:08:00.002-05:00

So I am was a smoker. The was happened this week when I decided I really have to have an iPad, and determined it is not in the budget. Oh! But that is fine, my google search tells me the iPad 3 should be coming out this spring-ish timeframe.
BUT WAIT! If I get it then, it then becomes OUR iPad which means that the Barbarian will need to put stupid boy apps on there and then he'll think he needs to do this and that to it because he's just an electronics wiz. (not). And he will end up having to reboot it and all my stuff on there will end up gone.
How do I solve this problem? I need to make this iPad a gift but I don't want to wait until Mother's day or my birthday. That is too far away.
I like instant gratification. Or quicker than 5 months.
So I decided to take another look at our expenses. Holy shitballs do we spend a lot of money on cigarettes.
My mind starts working and I am like DING DING DING, winner. I tally up my portion of the cigaretter expenditures and looks like I could have an iPad by mid-end of March.
So now every day I don't buy a pack of cigarettes, I keep the $5 and put it in a special envelope.
Then it will be MY iPad that I don't have to share.

Obviously quitting smoking for an electronic device is the smart choice. Good motivator.
I will gain my dream, and save my lungs!

In the meantime I am a raving bitch. Nicotine withdrawals are no joke.
Boris asked me what we were having with dinner and I told him "Shut the fuck up, I've got this, relax motherfucker" with my teeth clenched like he asked me the worst question in the world.
And then he was in "my" spot on the couch and it took every ounce of my being to not flip out, even though the only reason he was in my spot was because I was in his.
Cheers to a couple weeks of crazy.

Also check out my mom's blog I made it for her.

My Kid Walks! (A Video)

2012-01-07T08:53:00.003-05:00

at the end I try to get her to clap, but she apparently only will do one trick at a time.

BLACK WIDOW EATS YOUR FACE

2012-01-06T08:31:00.002-05:00

So the other day (last weekend? time is fuzzy) The Barbarian went into our storage area while I was outside and was like "Holy fuck, huge black widow"
So I go look. And I'm like "whatevez, let's kill it"
And he is like "NO it's poisonous" and gets on google, and calls housing to come kill it. And I'm like "are you fucking kidding me? do you think it's going to jump, I'll fucking kill it" and he continues to google how to kill them.
Meanwhile I'm on my January mom board like "My husband is a wimp, if I have to go kill that spider I'm taking his man card" etc.
As I'm getting my coat on to go back outside to kill it, the Barbarian decides he is going to kill it.
But wait! first he needs to put on his special black widow killing gear.

Then he grabbed random household objects to kill the spider with

Yes, he is wearing snowgloves to protect his fingers from spider fangs, that is an empty cut off bottle of sprite to be used to catch the spider, and a shoe to kill it.

The spider in question. Sitting there ominously.

Getting the spider into the soda bottle

Spider is dead.

Fin.

Why I Never Talk About Army Stuff (This Is Rambly)

2012-01-05T08:01:00.003-05:00

So it has been brought to my attention that my blog is titled ArmyWife-Style and WTF is up with that since I never ever talk about the Army or being and Army wife...

Well let me tell you.
When I started this blog/named it, I felt much more like an Army wife than I do now. (Silly, yes).
The Barbarian was deployed and nothing kicks you in the face and screams YOU'RE THE FUCKING WIFE OF A SOLDIER quite like having your husband in a war zone.

So being an Army wife was a lot closer to home back then. At least that's how it feels.

When the Barbarian came home, life became normal again and the Army wasn't constantly screaming in my face, if it weren't for the fact that his effing combat boots would scuff up my floors, I could have been tricked into thinking he was a banker.

Because really everyday Army wife life is no different than the life of a wife of a lawyer, a plumber, a doctor, etc.

Yeah my husband wears a uniform and has different rules than civilians who do the same job as him, and lots of other things that only the Army does... But that doesn't affect my life on a daily basis.

After almost 4 years of this whole Army wife shtick, things like Tricare, DEERS, showing my ID when I get back on post, the commissary, the PX, and all other things that once were oh-so-new and different to me are now all everyday life.

And I don't even think twice about them at this point.

So Army wife life is all just every day to me. I can't think of anything to say about the Army life on the regular because I feel pretty distant from it, it's there but it's just not a major factor in my life (you know other than where my huband's paycheck comes from or dictating where we live which are apparently not things I consider important).

So my blog isn't like ZOMG Army this Army that! And if that is what you want, this is not the place for you.

Why do I keep the name ArmyWife-Style then? Because although I don't have tons to say about how being an Army wife is soooo x, y or z, I am still an Army wife. And this is my life. Just because I'm blasé about my life and think all of this is normal, some other young woman might be new to it and might need some non-glitter graphic stuff to read about being an married into the military, and proof that marrying someone who wears a uniform doesn't turn you into a fat PX roving skankbag who is obsessed with glitter graphics and puts tacky bumpers all over her car.
I am proof of this.

Completely contradictory to this post, I'm toying with the idea of making some ArmyWife 101 tutorials but other than that I just can't relate the Army into my everyday life, except to say my husband best not leave a pen in his mo'fuckin' ACUs ever again. Thoughts on that?

because every post needs a picture.

My Mom Thinks This Is Her Blog

2012-01-04T08:08:00.001-05:00

It's the last day of my blog hop!!!!!!! LINK UP

So quite often these days I will get calls from my mom like "Why didn't you publish that blog I wrote" and I'm writing a blog for you about X. So expect to hear more from my mom. This post involves a possible homicidal maltese or a woman who tries to be Italian. I vote we all petition my mom to make her own blog.

Snowball - Quite possibly the best dog ever

I never really had a pet as a child. When I was little we did but i dont remember them really. All through my teen years I wanted an English Sheepdog. I got stuffed Sheepdogs and anything related but never a real one.

We built our house in 1993. It was a new neighborhood. Lots of little kids and dogs. There were about 4 houses that had Golden Retrievers. The oldest one Emma (actually it was Jessie) had had puppies and they stayed in the neighborhood. Not having pets in my family, my kids were terrified of these dogs. Krista more so than the others. I thought a good way to make them so they werent afraid of dogs was to get one myself. I could not see myself with a big dog. I am the kind of person that washed my floor EVERY day. Neurotic, I know that now and have calmed down. (No instead of being a floor nazi she is now a cup nazi, ex. I have 13 cups and 4 are missing WHERE ARE THEY!!!!!!!!)

I started doing my research. For some reason I was attracted to the Maltese breed. Did I mention my husband wanted no part of getting a dog? It took me awhile to find one and they had to ship him in. I told my husband just meet us at the pet shop we are picking up the dog today. Obviously he had no say. It was love at first sight with Snowball he was absolutely adorable! The kids loved him. He was probably about 4 pounds at the time and 2 of that was his fur I think. (I remember this, and we almost named him Meeko like the racoon in Pocahantas, since that movie had just came out).

His first day home I let him wander. he looked so tiny in my house. I put out one of those potty pads and he went right to it and did his thing. I was so impressed! Not really knowing what to expect from a pet I thought this is so easy why do people say its hard. It was time for bed and I felt bad putting him in his carrier. My downstairs is pretty open and the only room with a door is the study. I put a bowl of water out and laid out newspapers thinking all would be fine. I woke up in the morning and gingerly opened the door in case he was by the door. My jaw dropped. It looked like a bomb exploded in the study. The newspaper was torn to shreds and looked like the confetti in Times Square on New Years Eve. There was poop from one end of the room to next and the water was tipped over. I freaked out. I had to hurry and clean it up before the husband woke up because he didnt want the dog in the first place. A side note. My husband had a dog for two days as a boy until it "ran away" or got dropped off in a nice neighborhood. (CHACHA RAN AWAY). I didnt want Snowball wandering the streets somewhere. I got it all cleaned up and he was none the wiser. Until now of course. He complained about the dog a little but one day I open the door and the dog is on his lap while he was working so his cover was blown. (This happened to me too, I walked in on him with Snowball on his lap while he was watching Bob Vila or whatever). He loved the dog as much as we did.

this is snowball with Gina and Louie on my first communion, we had just gotten him maybe a month before. Probably less.

Snowball spent most of his time in the study or outdoors. He loved to go into my living room and poop behind the couch. He was sneaky like that. Nobody ever even sat in the living room even to this day. Snowball sure got use out of it though. He also liked to be king of the hill. We have this little mound in our yard that is a little hill and he would sit up there and bark at anything,a passing car, if the wind was blowing.

The funniest snowball story I have happened in the fall. For Halloween my tradition is to make spaghetti sauce. It is a quick and easy meal to get the kids out the door. So I started my sauce with cans of tomatos that I put in the blender so there are no chunks. I added my spices and usually add the paste after that all boils. To my suprise I had no tomato paste to thicken it up. It is too late to run out and get some the bus will be coming and I have a million things to do. I am trying to think what will thicken it. Corn starch will work right? Its worth a try. (Obviously I am not a real Italian but I have learned to cook like one no self respecting Italian would put corn starch anywhere near their sauce I am sure). I let it cook and its not really thickening. Let me try and taste it. I dont really know what ass tastes like but I am assuming I got pretty close that day.

It was inedible. I told my husband to take it out back behind the trees and dump it. Garbage disposals are not allowed in our town because of town sewer. I didnt want it in the trash because I thought it would leak through. He dumped the whole pot out. Not even thinking about the sauce I let Snowball out. I always let him run free we have a big yard. I call him in because I need to go out. He comes to the door and being all white his mouth is covered in red. At that moment I was disgusted with Snowball. I thought he killed an animal. I put him in the sink and scrub him. I dont like a dirty dog (neuroticism kicking in). I cant even really look at him thinking he killed something. Next day he comes in, you guessed it all red again. I am ready to give him away at this point. I wanted a cute lap dog not a pitbull. I cleaned him up again and banished him to the study. The next day I watch him. He goes out behind the tree and comes back red then it clicks. Just because we didnt like the sauce doesnt mean snowball didnt. He is obviously not an Italian dog.

Snowball died at 6. I wanted to get another dog but nothing could ever replace Snowball. He loved his family. I miss him. I had been having a yearning seeing Krista's dog Tasha and thought about getting another one. Then they came to visit. Between Toshi humping Tasha every time I looked out my window (she was in heat and needed a diaper) and Toshi going so far under under the deck that I couldnt pull him out. That ended my yearning. I will just have to be a one dog person.

Some of my most memorable Snowball memories include my mom washing him in the sink and talking about his dingleberries, Louie eating Snowball's treats, secretly letting him out of the study when mom wasn't home and letting him watch TV with me, when mom's friends watched us when my parents were in LV Snowball slept in my bed the whole time, mom trying to give him a ponytail, and he was friends with Emma.

Also I'd like to say that having Snowball only made me like little dogs. Dogs bigger than Toshi make me nervous/give me panic attacks. I am not a big dog person, at all.

I Am Very Naive (Rated R)

2012-01-03T08:14:00.000-05:00

Have you checked out the blog hop yet? You should. It's a great way to get followers and find new awesome blogs to follow!

So the other night in my online mom group, someone brought up the topic of double stuffing...
I was like what the fuck is that? I have never heard of such a thing.
And so I thought double stuffing was 2 weiners one in the A and one in the V. (sidenote: when I was 16 and one of my friends supposedly really wanted a cock in her A and in her V at the same time. I still have no idea how that could even work).
It is not.
It was explained to me but I still didn't get it. So one of the girls drew me a diagram.

and that is how you double stuff a very lumpy person.

I Was Wasted On Christmas. And I Was Awesome.

2012-01-02T08:23:00.000-05:00

First off have you checked out my super awesome blog hop? click on the picture!

Alright and now I'm catching you up from when I was in MA
My dad makes awesome cosmos. But I'm a super pussy and need to water them down with more cranberry juice, which is not the point of this story.
So I drank a ton of watered down cosmos. Like a ton.
I was wasted.
And then a certain family member called.
A family member who is in rehab for drinking.
I ask my mom if I can answer the phone. And told her what I was going to do. (You are not playing innocent here mom).
And proceeded to answer the phone with a heavy Boston accent (a stretch? not really) "This is Jackie's Packie on route 34, you know from the Real House Wives of South Boston parody I love on youtube.
Family member was like "WHAT" and hung up.
Then we called back hours later, and pretended that never happened.
My mom pretended she was shocked and horrified that I did that, even though she encouraged it. I'm mostly horrified that I'm posting that I have a family member in rehab on the internet. But hey at least he/she is getting help. That is what counts.

New Year New Followers

2011-12-30T19:30:00.013-05:00

So for the New Year we thought it would be fun to do a major blog hop with lots of hosts! Hopefully everyone can get some new followers, and we can find some new awesome blogs to follow ourselves!

This super awesome blog hop is hosted by the amazing blogs below:

Krista from ArmyWife-Style

Kacie from Chasing Fireflies

Whitney from Everything Happens for a Reason

Nykki from Another Day In Paradise

Katie from The Life of an Army Wife

Nancy from The Chrancy Family

Victoria from Smiles 'n' Snuggles

Stephanie from Moments That Take My Breath Away

Nicole from Our Pregnancy RoadTrip And Beyond

Stephanie from My Messmerized Life

Kelli from The How To Mommy

Annie from Letters to Mo

So the rules are:

* Visit each host, and any of the people linked up that you find interesting. The more you follow, the more followers you get in return, leave a comment telling them you found them from the New Years New Followers Fest!

* Link to your favorite blog post of 2011. Do not just link directly to your blog. We want to see your favorite post!

* Write a post about this blog hop on steroids and include the button in your post. Spread the word!

Link goes live at 8pm EST!

I Got Banged... Bangs.

2011-12-30T08:27:00.002-05:00

So one of my bestfriends from highschool is now a hairdresser, I told her that I wanted her to give me sidebangs, and since I hate myself I changed my mind and was like, actually, scratch that.

I want regular bangs. Bangs are a pain in the ass. Who knew? Everyone but me.

But since I'm hot, I rock them even if they are a pain in my ass. One side sticks out like an umbrella if I don't properly dry it/them? I don't the correct word in this case. Won't even deny that makes me feel dumb. Whatevez.

Why is this all centered? Blogger hates me and won't let me fix it.

So this is take 2 of the before... First time I said I look fat. That is my sad pout face.

pretty self explanatory

I'm a fucking spectacle. Everyone has to watch.

me and all my hair. Side note: I lose that much hair a day since I birthed a baby.

trimming more with dried bangs

vacuuming my boobs. low cut shirts+hair cut do not mix. I still have hair in my cleavage... probably.

Told you I'm a hot bitch. Thats no make up so fuck off. Well does chapstick stuff count? Whatever. You're jealous.

Even Though I Think Wordless Wednesday Is A Cop Out...

2011-12-28T09:43:00.000-05:00

Here are some pictures of my trip to my parents.

We gave her chocolate milk and when the bottle was done she was not a happy camper

Karina's first time eating mommy's favorite food... cheesy garlic bread

Karina and I were banished to my parents room while my dad was on a conference call, and she discovered her Mimi's vanity and all her brushes.

Mimi bought her a gingerbread man

She made sure she got her finger prints all over everything

My mom made my sister and I make a gingerbread house with her... she was the gingerbread house nazi. Who obviously lost that battle.

I hadn't even been home a day and my parents were like MAKE FRIED CHICKEN and I slaved over the frying pan for hours. But it was worth it. It was delicious.

Karina watching the Santa parade that goes by my great-aunt's house. She loved it.

Karina on her first Christmas morning.

This is one of the gifts my grandmother got for Karina. Hilarious. And it matches the room I had when I was growing up.

my dogs on our way back home.

And there you have it. My trip in pictures. Mostly. And basically not in order.

Another Guest Post From My Milf Mom

2011-12-26T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm still visiting family. And no joke my mom asked me 24241742 times when I was posting this, and she texted me at least 5 times. She is super excited. As usual my notes will be in italics.

I think the myth that boys are easier than girls is wrong

I have three children. Krista, Gina and Louie. They are all two years apart and Louie is the youngest.

When Louie was born the girls babied him. I am not going to lie so did I. As an infant Louie was a pretty good baby. It wasn't until he was probably about 7 or 8 months that the crying stage of his life began. The girls started calling him waaa waaa Louie. I will tell a few short stories so you get the idea of my theory. I remember calling him Waa Waa Woo-woo.

Louie was in diapers forever.

We went on a family trip to Disney when the kids were 2, 4 and 6. I used to take the girls every year by myself from the time they were infants. This would be the first time with my husband and brother in law as well. We stayed at the Grand Floridian and had an exclusive package. Food anytime we wanted. Wine and cookies and milk in the afternoon. Presents for the kids at turn down service every night. For the enjoyment of the men there were model shoots in the afternoon and Miss USA pageant contestants were there as well. Should have been a dream vacation right? WRONG. Louie cried on the plane, Louie cried off the plane. Louie cried at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Louie cried while visiting the characters. Louie cried in his carriage. Louie cried out of his carriage. Louie cried while eating cotton candy. Louie cried on rides. Louie cried when walking. I think Louie even cried in his sleep. My brother in law ended up leaving in the middle of vacation because he couldn't take it anymore. I really wanted to go with him. I have never been back to Disney since. I am so traumatized. I hope I can get over it so that I can take my favorite Grand baby soon.

Now we can cut to Christmas a year later when they are 3, 5 and 7. The girls were begging for American girl dolls. Well Krista was and Gina wanted to do everything her sister did at the time. So "Santa" was bringing Krista, Samantha and Gina, Kirsten. I am not even sure these two dolls are available anymore. They were so excited. Kirsten has a matchbox car rolled into her hair now.

Christmas Eve we go to my Aunts house. It is tradition. Picture about 100 people stuffed into one house. It is always alot of fun. There is also a Santa parade that goes through all the neighborhoods with fire trucks, police and all kinds of floats. Always the highlight of the night. Louie as usual was not cooperative. Yes the whole crying thing. It was a rough night.

Christmas morning comes around and its 7:00. The girls are up Louie is not. They play with their stockings. 8:00 comes around and Louie is still sleeping and I ask the girls if they want me to wake up Louie and they say no. I am kind of shocked after all it is Christmas morning and here are these little girls waiting patiently to open presents. 9:00 comes around, still no Louie. I ask again. they say NO don't wake him up. 10:00 and 11:00 still no Louie and NO they do not want me to wake him up. Louie finally got up at 11:30 and I think the crying didn't start until during the present opening. Do you get the picture now? 5 and 7 and dying for their new dolls but it didn't matter they just wanted peace.

Potty training. I am cringing while I write this but it needs to be told. I had both the girls potty trained at exactly 2 years old. Louie was another story entirely......

The girls were at school and I was home with just Louie. I worked on potty training ever day. He is now 3.

I was having my dining room worked on and Louie was fascinated with construction. He loved the trucks. He loved to watch the guys working. Everyday he would stand and watch them. I still had to work on potty training so I put him in the bathroom with his potty seat. It is sort of across from the dining room so I left the door open for him to see.

Next thing I knew He picked up his potty seat and set it down right in front of the dining room and sat down on it. I could see the guys smiling it was pretty comical.

Louie sat and sat on that potty seat but would not go. One of the guys finally looked at him and said "Whats the matter there buddy do you have stage fright"?

Cut to Louie now being 4. Still not potty trained. I try to sign him up for preschool and they tell me unless he is potty trained they wont take him. I am frantic because I am the one that has spent the most time with waaa waaa Louie and its time for him to fly the nest. Just thinking of those two and a half hours a day without the waaa waaa is looking like heaven to me. I am on him like crazy to learn. I cant take it anymore. He is 4 and I am just baffled as to why this kid doesn't get it. I pretty much chase him down and he hides from me. One day while searching for him I find him in the corner of my dining room next to the server changing his own diaper. That is when I snapped. I cant even tell you what happened that day because i think i blocked it out.

After that incident I refused to buy diapers. If a kid can change their own diaper but not go on the potty. That is a problem.

One last story then I am done. Louie is now 5 and in kindergarten. It is not full time Kindergarten it is half days and Louie is in the afternoon session. It is just Louie and I home during the day. I am a clean freak so I am always running around doing things. I THOUGHT Louie could be trusted if I left the room. It is time to put Louie on the bus and no Louie. I am frantic. I look everywhere for him. He is nowhere to be found. I look inside, outside, down the street. No Louie. My phone rings and its the woman wayyyyyy down the street. Louie is at her house. I go grab him and put him on the bus. This becomes his daily ritual. He escapes at the right opportunity. You would think at 5 I wouldn't need to put him on a leash. I have a regular Houdini on my hands. He is the reason I had to put a deadbolt up high on my door where he couldn't reach. It is still there to this day and not because I live in the ghetto.

Louie at the neighbors after running off.

I am amazed that I didn't take Xanax back then or run away with the plumber. I am not saying the girls were perfect angels but compared to Louie.....You get the picture.

I laugh at all of these stories now but back in the day trust me I did not. Enjoy every minute with your child good or bad. I know you probably hear it all of the time but it seems like just yesterday I went through all of this. Louie is now 19 and occasionally sometimes the girls still call him waaa waaa Louie.

I am going to have Krista correct my spelling and punctuation because I am just to exhausted thinking about all of this.

Holiday Spirit- Guest Post

2011-12-23T08:00:00.002-05:00

Hi everyone! I am Danielle and a stay-at-home mom/Premier soccer coach to my chunky little 11 month old ~~devil~~ princess Peighton. I have a Blog over at When True love Walks In, which is basically my rated G version of my life. Today I am excited to guest for Krista and let out my true side; rated R. Watch out! Thanks Krista for having me!

So during the day I stay at home with Peighton, at night I coach 4 Premier soccer teams and for the last 2 years I have worked part time at a major retail chain. Think of something that rhymes with Shmole Gravy. I work one shift every few weeks to basically keep my awesome discount so my baby can dress better than me and all the other babies out there. The one that I work with is known for having a not so um, ideal, clientele due to demographics. So anyways, here are a few of my awesome experiences.

Last year about this time, I was 8 months pregnant and chugging along. Dumb ass girl #1 comes up to the register to check out, followed by her skanky ass friend #2.
D.A #1- Oh, are you pregnant?!
Me- No, I just ate 12 peanut butter & jelly sandwiches for lunch. <Followed by a smile>
S.A #2- Gurrlllll- You be so funny. So whatcha havin'?
Me- We are having a...
D.A #1- Wait wait wait. Let me guess. A boy!!
Me- Nope, we are having a little girl.
D.A #1- Are you sure?? I swear something about your belly screams that there is a little peen up in there.
Before I can say anything in return I get-
S.A #2- Well what is her name?
Me- We are keeping it a surprise and telling everyone once she is here with us.
S.A #2- Well that is fucking stupid.
Me- Well I think your shirt is pretty damn ugly, but it is usually one of those things you keep to yourself huh?

Lucky for me my manager loves me and just smiled and told me to go take a break and eat some pickles or something to calm down :)

Also last year, I worked Christmas Eve morning since I got paid overtime and we didn't have plans until later that afternoon. So as you can imagine, the store is pretty bare as you would think everyone would have their Christmas shopping done right? This beezy comes rushing into the store " I need twelve Techno hoodies! I need twelve Techno hoodies!" Really hooker, you wait until Christmas Eve to shop for your 12 grandkids and then you expect us to have 12 hoodies, in the sizes and colors you want? Maybe if you would have started in October,you could have started collecting them then dumb ass. But my heart burn wasn't bad and my hemmies weren't burning that day, so I decided to try and be helpful and find as much as I could for her. Well, we didn't have anything that she wanted so yelled to us "It's Jesus Christ's birthday and you farting pigs can't even carry the shit I need!" She then storms out and throws our "family" of mannequins at us. Like, lifted the baby and threw it in my direction, picked up the dog and threw it at the door and then picked up the boy and hurled him towards my boss. I leaked my panties from laughing so hard.

One last story of awesomeness. Dude comes up to my register with a hoodie that he wants to return. No problem. I ask him for his receipt and do my thing. There isn't a tag on it so I check the pockets as sometimes people tear off the tag and then stuff it in the pocket. So I stick my hand in the pocket and pull out..... a huge bag of weed!! I choked on my gum as I was so shocked and had no idea what to do! I suppose I could have called the police or made a big deal, but Peighton was sleeping through the night and my husband had cooked me a great dinner that night. So I put the bag back in the pocket and slid the jacket back to him. "I am sorry Sir, I can not accept this jacket. You will have to hold onto it and make due with the size." He goes off on me. "What b*tch!? Yo think cause yo is a prissy white gurl you can no respect me?! (You read it right. I guess no respect me = disrespect me?!) I tried to tell him that I was doing him a favor by not calling his ass out to my manager, the police and the whole store, but he wouldn't hear any of it. "Yo dumb b*tch, Imma come back and sic my doggs on ya and make yo rain bloooooddd." "Oh, oh maybe, I'll do a little voodoo on ya and make yo veins feel like they are on fire and you cough out boogers all the time." Seriously!? This is the best you can come up with dude?! He left and once again, I could do nothing but laugh. Maybe I should have been a bit scared, but my coughs have yet to come out full of boogers, so I think I am safe.

I will sign off just making sure you all realize that it isn't the employees fault that you missed sale, forgot your coupon, waited until the last minute, decide to shop at the mall or forgot to take your b*tch control pills that day. Get off your cell phone when making your purchase or expect me to yell "HOW ARE YOU TODAY? DID YOU FIND EVERYTHING OK?" And make nonsense conversation until you get off your phone. More then likely once you are off your phone, I will disengage from conversation. :) Oops.

Merry Christmas everyone!!

Our Hometown- Guest Post

2011-12-22T08:08:00.025-05:00

This post is written by one of my dearest friends since middle school. She wants to remain unnamed. She isn't a blogger, but she's awesome. I made notes on her post. they are in italics.

Despite what movies like Sweet Home Alabama and The Notebook might tell you, there's genuinely nothing glamorous about growing up in a small town. We don't cow tip, there are no bonfire ragers that involve country music and kissing beneath the stars while bugs crawl in your hair. Instead, cows come TO the party and bring the beer with them, probably smuggling in some heroin or crack cocaine that they stole from their dealer's dead body behind the dumpster at Kitty's. Maybe there are some small towns out there that are actually a bit of fun but I can promise you this: north shore of Boston has none of these so-called "fun" small towns and the town in which Krista and I grew up would most definitely not even make the list if it did. Not according to the townies who never moved on after high school. They think the night life in NR is bangin' playing beer pong in so and so's basement. It's like you are still in highschool! It's super duper cool!

Let me present to you an analogy. If you rub vaseline in your eyes and then look at a pile of horse shit, you might think to yourself, hm, that smells kinda nasty but my sight tells me there's a possibility it's just meatloaf, or dirt, or something less-repulsive than the reality. But then you rub the gross guck out of your eyes and see that yeah, the foul smell was there for a reason and your good-natured spirit lead you astray. It was shit all along. Walking back into North Reading after years doing bigger and better things than being a townie is, to put it simply, like opening your eyes after wiping away the gunk. You've moved on, you've done wonderful things with your life like get a job, or get married, or have a gorgeous baby (i.e. Karina) and the only way these people have grown is throughout their waistline. And I'm not talking about bulk here, people. Actually they have also expanded thier drinking games to include flip cup. And they not only smoke weed, they also smoke meth. I'm actually not sure if either of those statements are true. I don't live there anymore. Krista don't live there no mo' Krista don't live there no mo' Is Krista there? HELL NO.

I thought of this all when I considered how excited I'm getting for the arrival of Krista and her family to North Reading. I, being selfish, am excited to see her and the baby and her husband and her family, naturally. But there's one thing that I am dreading and that's not for myself, but for Krista. May she visit the town and have no run-ins, may she avoid Stop n' Shop at all costs, may she not trip over the repeat high school students that wander around the gas stations. And please--oh please--may she avoid all of the mothers in the park with children Karina's age who haven't yet hit the ripe age of 17 or acquired their learner's permit. Dear friend do you think I have yet to have this happen to me? My strategy is to avoid eye contact and if that doesn't work I call people by the wrong names. Damn it. Now my secret is out. Also since when is North Reading the home of teenage mothers. We didn't have any. I'm kind of sad. But I expect to see MTV shooting for 16 and Pregnant in my hometown... Hopefully.

My Baby Is A Monster!- Guest Post

2011-12-21T07:57:00.006-05:00

Hi! I’m Stephanie and I blog over at My Messmerized Life. I’m a Midwestern working mother to my lovely Adalyn Grace. I love Mexican food, puppies, reading, crafting, photography (beginner), and DIYing around the house.

I’ve always been a morning person. On the weekends you could find me up and around the house at 7am. After having Addie, I’m usually up at 6 and it’s slowly killing me. I’m dying to sleep 12 hours straight and that’s never been me. I guess when you have been so deprived a sleep it could happen to a girl. I haven’t slept past 8am in over a year. Can you believe that?

Can I complain a little more? The whining this girl gives me is ridiculous! She wakes up crying, she goes to sleep crying. She spends several hours a day whining in some way. I have a feeling I’m going to have the girl who throws a temper tantrum in the store. I’m going to be that mom. The one in the middle of store that lets their child have a meltdown because what do you do. I was one of those when-I-have-kids-that-won’t-happen types. Until reality sets in. Everything I said I wouldn’t do, I’ve probably done. It’s inevitable. Never say never when faced with a teething 10 month old who is refusing naps and doesn’t like sitting in her stroller as we Christmas shop. Can you imagine the guns I have on me carrying around her 20 lb lug of chubbiness?
Not only do I have a whiner, I fear I have a future bully on my hands. That would be okay if she had brothers she needed to defend herself against, but she doesn’t. She’s never around any other babies. It concerns me a little. I may have to put a stop to it. Secretly, it’s pretty funny when she growls at people. And I really love that when I pull her into bed with us to snuggle in the morning she crawls over to my husband and bites him to wake him up! J To hear him scream, “Ow!” is hysterical. The biting does have to stop though; it doesn’t feel good when she bites my nips while nursing. It’s only okay when I’m not on the other end of the biting!

Don't let those chubby cheeks fool you, she's a monster in disguise. She even knows how to growl!
Thanks to Krista for letting me guest post and share a little bit about myself! I hope you'll stop by and read more.

You should check Stephanie's blog out, she is one of my Jan Momma's aka the women who have helped me raise Karina thus far. Because I have no idea what I'm doing.

I Was A Better Mom When I Had No Kids- Guest Post

2011-12-20T08:05:00.001-05:00

Howdy there,

I'm Annie and I am a lot of things. I'm a medical social worker, a kick ass dancer, an awesome wife and a proud mama to 9 month old Cash.

Oh yeah, and I'm a karaoke queen.

I blog at Letters to Mo, which I call a modern day baby book for my 9 month old son, Cash Trenton (that's right, his name isn't actually Mo). I blog about our day to day adventures, life in an interracial family and first time mama type of stuff. Before I had him, I had all these ideas about the type of parent I was going to be and they all involved me being pretty damn sure of myself. Let me tell you, that old adage of "I was a perfect parent until I had kids" is totally true. So I present to you stuff I said I would never do- The Bad Mama Edition.

1. Have a C-Section (it was even scheduled!). I started out my pregnancy at a free standing birthing center. I planned on a natural childbirth with as little intervention as possible. Oh, and I was totally one of those, "women have been doing it for years..it's the most natural thing in the world..." annoying types of women. And I was worse, because I hadn't *actually* given birth yet. Meaning, I didn't know what the hell I was talking about. Then my birthing center screwed up royally and missed cues that my health was deteriorating. And in the middle of my second trimester, I became high risk and transferred to a hospital for care. Because of my health problems, I ended up having a scheduled c-section, an idea that would have horrified me just a few months earlier. It was the best decision I could have made. I learned just how quickly things go from awesome to really, really wrong and it made me thankful I was in a hospital so I could be cared for. Now I realize I don't really give a shit how Cash made it into the world, I'm just blessed that he is here.

After C-Section bliss. You can't tell by the picture, but the kid was 10.8 at birth. Yup, that's 10 freaking pounds, 8 ounces.

2. Let my Kids Watch TV. When I was pregnant, I said I didn't want my kids to watch TV. To be honest, I'm not really that into TV and didn't even had one until the hubs moved in with me (living in a TV free house without football and Monday Night Wrestling was just not going to work for him). Now I watch occasionally, but I could take it or leave it. Sad to admit, but when I do watch TV, I watch terrible TV. Think Jersey Shore and anything with a Kardashian in it. Even after Cash was here, I argued with the hubs about it. I didn't want the TV on when Cash was around. And then we were introduced to the wonder that is Yo Gabba Gabba. I don't know what homeless writer on an acid trip created this show, but God bless him. Cash is like an addict when it comes on. His eyes light up, he smiles really big and is just transfixed. If he could talk, I'm pretty sure he would ask if DJ Lance Rock could be his Daddy. So now add it to the reasons why I'm a terrible mom. Because I will totally turn that sucker on so I can get some stuff done around the house. Or just fuck around on TMZ.com for a minute.

Cash transfixed by Yo Gabba Gabba. He wouldn't look anywhere near me.

3. Bed Share. Although I live in a very attachment parenting friendly community, that's not my style. I had zero interest in cloth diapering, wearing my baby was a giant pain in the ass and I swore I didn't want babies sleeping in my bed. Then I had my third straight night of zero sleep after we brought you home from the hospital. I was breastfeeding at the time and was tired of getting up every two hours to feed him, so I stuck him in bed with me. And the strangest thing happened....he slept. He slept great. And so did I. The husband, not so much. Some nights he stayed in bed with us, some nights he hit couch city. But Mama was getting sleep, which meant Mama was happy, which meant the hubs was happy. And if the hubs hadn't put his foot down to get Cash in his crib last month, he'd still be in bed with me.

Very first night as a crib sleeper. He was fine. Mama was not.

So that's just the tip of the iceberg, I'm sure. As he gets older, I just figure out more shit I was wrong about. Phew, this Mama thing is a blow to the ego sometimes.

So for baby talk without the bullshit, come on over to Letters to Mo. I'll be the one with the oreos and vodka.

(Note from Krista: oreos and vodka is a combination I never considered.)

Vulgarity? At Age 2- Guest Post From My Mom!

2011-12-19T08:30:00.002-05:00

A post written by my mom, while I'm visiting her. I woke up one morning to this in an email. It was like Christmas came early

Krista's first recital

Hi all. My name is Laura. I am Krista's mom. I do not have small children like most of you. I have three grown children, Krista 23, Gina 21 and Louie 19. It means I have many more years of hilarious stories from raising 3 beautiful (not always intelligent) children. I have never posted a blog before but I saw this opportunity and could not resist. I have always wanted to try. I hope I make the cut.

This is Krista's blog so this post will be about her. I know that's how she likes things.
Krista was an adorable, fun loving little wild woman as a tot. She was very vocal and full of energy. A head full of curls that would take at least 20 minutes and a quarter of a bottle of detangler to get through. She was always a smaaaat little girl.( picture Barbara from teen mom telling this story only not as harsh of an accent and much cuter. I am Krista's mom after all)

Being a girly girl myself I wanted Krista to be one too so I signed her up for ballet class. I took ballet from the time I was 2 up until I was a senior in high school. I thought it would be good for her coordination. I also looked forward to recital time and cute costumes. I remember all the little ones in my recitals and how cute they were.
I found a dance studio in the town we lived in. Miss Cindy was her name. Miss Cindy was a little high strung (bitchy) and I remember her being young. My dance teachers were two old battle axes or sea hags is how i would refer to them now. They were sisters. Miss Babe and Miss Ethel. Let me tell you... Miss Babe was no babe. Have you ever looked at a can of prunes? I digress. Back to Krista. I took Krista to her first dance class on a Tuesday afternoon. She was the youngest in her class. All of the other little girls fawned all over her. They loved to baby her and Krista seemed to love going to dance class. She did babble a little about how mean Miss Cindy was though. It didn't concern me too much because if you think Miss Babe and Miss Ethel were kind while teaching they were not.

Now it is May and they are told to practice for their recital dance at home. Krista being so young they ask me to help her practice. The next day is dress rehearsal and we are not allowed in the classroom during their lessons. We sit in a waiting room outside the class. I do not know her dance at all. We get home and I ask Krista to show me her dance. She starts her dance and starts to sing as well. Wow I am getting a bargain. I am paying for dance class and they are getting music lessons as well. I am smiling from ear to ear because I am so proud of this little dolly. She is really getting into it now and sings "Ima peeeso sheeet". Wait what? Did she just call herself a piece of shit? What are they teaching my baby? I make her start over. Sure enough there it is again "Ima peeso sheeet". Did I mention she was two and maybe at two you don't speak so clearly. I am sure there is a logical explanation. The next day I drive to the rehearsal. They are up on stage and Miss Cindy is bitching how the hats MUST be firmly in place with bobby pins and went on and on about it. I am hating her guts right about at this point anyway. I just want to know why she is teaching them to sing that they are a piece of shit.

She gets them all lined up and the music starts. Krista looked so cute up there on the stage. She starts singing and being loud i can hear "Ima peeeso sheeet" but the music is for the song "I am a showbiz kid". I breathe a sigh of relief and smile. Obviously Krista started her vulgarity at a very young age. I have to say We are very much alike in our snarkiness but I am not into vajazzling or vulgarity. I only like it on my daughters blog.

Mom, you enjoy vulgarity.

Karina is 11 Months Old

2011-12-18T23:22:00.000-05:00

I gave Karina chocolate milk in her bottle today. When the bottle was empty she threw a fit.

and here is her real "I'm 11 months old" picture

In other news she took 2 steps this week on multiple occassions and is a cruising machine.
If only she'd hold her own damn bottle.

I'm The Worst At Holidays

2011-12-16T08:02:00.001-05:00

This is the only holiday decoration I have out

I fail at holidays. I really do.
I'm like a holiday grinch. I don't even have a tree up this year.
I pretend it's because I'm going to my parents for the holidays, but it's really because I don't give a flying fuck. And I have no room in this shoebox shithole house.

Last year was Boris and my first time to celebrate holidays just the two of us (and last time) and we didn't do anything. We did Christmas gifts like a week in advance and had spaghetti for thanksgiving.
We both fail.

I don't give a shit about Halloween, I call it a made up holiday for assholes. (Well actually I say white trash, but I don't want to be offensive... Oh wait. Too late).
Thanksgiving? I don't even like turkey.
Christmas? I'm not big on Jesus. I enjoy presents. (Sidenote, I used to think that Jesus and Santa were the same person. Come on! It's confusing)
New Years? I never even acknowledged this until I married a Russian born on NYE. Now it's a bigger deal but more for his birthday.
Easter? Please. The bunny creeps me out. Why did a bunny steal all the eggs from a chicken? And why can't any chickens I know produce eggs filled with money?

I think that's all the ones that people decorate/go all out for that I don't enjoy. I enjoy 4th of July because summer and barbecue and swimming are some of my favorite things. I also look great in navy blue. And it's not religion affiliated, a plus in my book.

So yes. I am a holiday grinch. Until my child is old enough to realize it. Then I will deck my halls, find creepy bunnys and stuff a turkey. For now I will just continue on with my life as though nothing special is happening.

Because honestly people this time of year are bigger assholes than ever. Have you gone to the mall? Assholes.
Jesus would not approve. Leave the mall to heathens like me.

Bah Humbug.

Also tune in next week for fun guest posts from some of my favorite people ever, I'll be in MA for the holidays.

This Is What My Hair Looks Like Straight.

2011-12-15T16:26:00.000-05:00

Day 1 of having to style my hair was a success.
It only took a little longer than a half hour.
I think I need to sleep more.

And Ode To The Hair I Used To Have

2011-12-15T08:04:00.003-05:00

I give up, my hair has lost it's awesome curl. It is now just blah.

I have to be an adult *shudder* who styles her hair. No more wash n' go for me. the awkwardly straight at the top, sad little wave in the middle and random curl at the bottom is just not cute.

My pre pregnancy and pregnancy hair was very cute, and very curly.

I thought my hair just had split ends and that is why the curl was messed up. Well 2 weeks after my hair cut I have faced the music that my hair just isn't what it used to be.

Usually cutting my hair this short results in awesome bouncy curls. It did not do that at all this time.

I am breaking out the blow dryer tomorrow.

Squeezing out a dollop of mousse in honor of what used to be my hair.

RIP awesome hair that used to be

I'm way more upset about this than I should be. Most people style their hair every day.

The thought of doing that overwhelms me. I honestly planned to do it today and thought "I don't have that kind of time" when in reality I sat around doing nothing most of the day.

I just don't want to face the music that I need to style my hair now, since I always prided myself on my awesome curls. Now they are no more.

I used to feel bad for girls who had to style their hair. I was like "sads for them they aren't lucky like me".

Hopefully they come back one day but until then I can't let myself look like a slovenly mess with gross hair. And let me tell you, my hair right now is kind of gross.

So ladies how long does it take you to do your hair? I'm hoping not too long. Any tips? It's been about 3 years since I actually heat styled my hair...

Like Rickets That Make You Shit Your Pants

2011-12-14T08:00:00.001-05:00

Sometimes as I'm falling asleep/drunk on nyquil/drunk in general I like to write things on the memo pad on my phone thinking they will make good blog posts. The title of this post is one of those gems.

It is in good company with "Frankie from jerseylicious looks like the shark from a sharks tale" "I love that like a bulimic loves to barf" "When my dogs die they will be awesome throw rugs in bathrooms, then people will step on them. I'll put squeakers in them so it sounds like they are whining" amongst others.

Any way, it took me a while to figure out what rickets that make you shit your pants could possibly mean.

I was talking about sprickets.

Or the things I referred to as "AHH A FUCKING JUMPING SPIDER I CAN'T BELIEVE SPIDERS FUCKING JUMP DOWN SOUTH WHAT IS THIS SHIT?! AHHHH KILL IT!"

I later learned they are crickets that look like spiders and jump ridiculously high/far and scare the shit out of me. And turn me into a scared little girl.

Honestly I don't know what I wanted future me to write about but possibly the fact I found a dead one that was like mummified under my couch. And I still screamed. Even though it was dead and incapable of jumping.

And had nothing to do with rickets which is a disease caused by lack of vitamin D. Other than the fact I moved from a place that was probably rampant with rickets to a place that is rampant with sprickets.

I can't even follow my own thought process.

This post is way better than wordless Wednesday.

How I Found Out I Was Pregnant (Can't Believe I Never Blogged This Before)

2011-12-13T08:03:00.003-05:00

So I was going through posts for a new readers start here page and Mama G suggested I use posts like my first post, when I found out I was pregnant, favorites etc.

And I was going through my posts and was like holy balls! I don't even have a post about finding out I was pregnant... I posted this very sneakily as a way of announcing, but jumped from that to "wah indigestion, how much bigger can my boobs get" (If only I knew then what I know now)...

So here is the story as I recall it now. Like over a year and a half later.

So as most of you know my husband was deployed September 2009-August 2010... How did I get knocked up in April?

Well he came home April 17th was here for 2 weeks. He refers to knocking me up during those 2 weeks as a drive-by.

So basically we had some friends over about a week into R&R, Anne (who was involved in the hooker fiasco) and Brittany. Their husbands were also home on R&R. You can read about that night here.

Well what I failed to mention in that story is that the Barbarian announced to all "So did you know this *expletive* is going to push something out of her twat in 9 months?"

I was not on birth control, because my cycles were all out of whack after the Barbarian left. I stopped taking the pill in September to allow my body to reset. I ended up having a total of 3 periods between September and April. And one was in September, one in November and one in early March. So I figured that I probably would not get pregnant. And Brittany was the resident fertility expert and echoed these thoughts.

But the husband had a feeling that got me knocked the eff up. So a few days later after going to the casino with Anne and her husband we went out and bought pregnancy tests where this happened. Man/woman also said something along the lines of "good luck" as we were checking out. I left that out too. I'm so sneaky.

Took a pregnancy test the next day, a Wednesday, which was 3 days before he was due to leave again. Negative. And again the day he left. Negative. I did test with first morning urine. But they were tests with lines so it's possible I missed a positive result. Who knows?

So the Barbarian left early on Monday morning? My memory is foggy. I want to say it was May 3rd, but I could have sworn it was a Saturday. Oh well. Not important.

And on Monday I went out with Brittany to do some errands and get lunch or coffee or something. And we went to Target and I was like "yeah I should buy some pregnancy tests." And Brittany was like "You're not pregnant, you already took 2" and I was like "trust me" and bought my pregnancy tests.

I decided to wait a week after my last negative result to take them. In the meantime I cut down on the drinking because I read on the bump that that is what you're supposed to do. Who knew? So I had a dinner date with some girlfriends and I offered to be the DD for Anne so as not to draw suspicion to my suspicion.

Blah blah life goes on. Tell the Barbarian I planned to test that Saturday morning (May 8th) and that he should call me that morning.

Saturday morning rolls around. I wake up and pee on the digital test (digitals are for idiots who don't see lines) and immediately like as soon as I'm done pulling up my pants the word "PREGNANT" flashes before my eyes.

I was like noooo no way and kept waiting for the "NOT" to show up. It never showed up. I wouldn't say I was shocked but it was for sure surreal. I couldn't believe I was actually pregnant.

So I emailed the Barbarian like 50 times and even included pictures of said pee test.

And took this picture because I would never be this tiny again

Anyway it took forever for the Barbarian to call me. I got up and found out around 830. He didn't call me until like 4.

I had to play cool all day like there wasn't the most insane thing EVER going on inside of my uterus. When my mom called I was like "play cool, homie, play cool" and succeeded.

He finally called and was like "I know, I called it" but he was excited obviously.

And then I called my mom, and told her. And we told my dad and siblings. And then I called my mother in law and sister in law. And I told my cousin. And sent out a mass picture message to all my besties. Everyone was either like "OMG I'm so freaking excited!" or "I knew it".

But since the next day was Mother's Day my mom and I decided to wait to tell my grandmother and my aunt and therefore the rest of my extended family. They were very excited. And shocked.

And then I posted a picture of my pee test on facebook.

The next day I announced it here.

The day after that my boobs exploded (I made that up, pretty much).

And that is my getting pregnant and announcing it to the world story.

Also I'd like to say my pregnancy resulted in the cutest baby, ever.

Houses Were Probably Way Cleaner 50 Years Ago

2011-12-12T07:48:00.000-05:00

So I'm a housewife, obviously.
You would think that despite having a baby I would have a pretty much spotless house.
This is not true. And it's not because I have a baby.
It's because of the internet, and TV.

anne taintor

So I came up with my cleaning schedule to work around my social networking/baby wrangling.

anne taintor

I seriously wonder how much I could get done around here if I didn't have my distractions. That would be like 2 hours regular time and another 2 during naps to get stuff done. That's 4 hours a day that I waste doing nothing.

My house would probably sparkle. I mean it's pretty clean for the most part, but holy balls if I spent those extra hours cleaning instead of fucking off?

anne taintor

And then I wonder if that's why it always seemed like all housewives did in the 50s and 60s was clean, because they didn't have DVR or the internet so there was nothing else to do but clean.

I might start challenging myself to one day with no computer/tv a week and see where that gets me cleaning wise... because when Karina is otherwise entertained those are my go to activities. Maybe if I make cleaning or something my new go to activity I can pretend like I'm being productive.

Some Announcements

2011-12-10T17:42:00.001-05:00

So first off, if you haven't already, go over to MODG for operation WANA (We Are Not Assholes), and be a part of it, whether you are in need or would like to help a family in need for the holidays.

Second, I am in need of some guest posters for next week (the 19th-24th time frame). I'd need the posts by Friday. You can email submissions to armywifestyle@yahoo.com. I'm going to be super sad if no one does it. Not really I'll just draw pictures for posts.
Guest post requirements: none this blog has no standards. obviously. you lose all of that when you befriend a hooker.

I'm hungover, give me a break.

Saving Money On Christmas Gifts

2011-12-09T07:51:00.002-05:00

Have you heard of Brad's Deals? Oh you haven't? Well let me tell you, that website is a great website for online coupon codes AND printable coupons. I personally prefer online shopping, but sometimes when I'm shopping at places like Carter's I like to go in to the store and use a coupon, what do you know? Brad's Deals has your back.

I like this site because it has thousands of stores, all in one place all you have to do is search for your store, or you can search by top deal, newest deals, by online or printable. Awesome I tell you.

I love coupons. It makes me feel happy. Every penny saved is another penny I can use to buy delicious pizza and/or breadsticks from Pizza Hut and also chocolate. Godiva Chocolate. The way to my heart is through coupons and pizza (and maybe some chocolate after, if I'm not too stuffed from the pizza and not passed out from my coupon high). In those links you will find a link for free breadsticks... Free breadstick coupon I may or may not have used earlier and may be currently regretting as my stomach is bloated like whoah, but my mouth is thanking me for deliciousness. And if I worked I would buy my coworkers chocolate. Why? Because chocolate is universally loved. And Godiva isn't cheap so a 20% off coupon is awesome.

Also I know a ton of my blogging and mom friends like to use Tiny Prints to make picture cards and things like that, well that link? is a link to coupons for Tiny Prints. There is one for half of off thank you cards, this will be key after the holidays (and after my baby's first birthday next month! EEP)!

So there you have it. Ways to save money.

New Year's Resolutions Can Suck It

2011-12-08T08:19:00.002-05:00

So it's about that time of year when assholes are like "OH what's your New Year's resolution?" and I'm like "Go fuck yourself, yours should be to lose weight/stop being ugly/get a new personality".

Well this year is even worse. Because according to the Mayans we are all biting the dust in 2012. So why the fuck would I change my bad habits just so I can die?

Fuck. That. Shit.

I will be drinking, smoking, swearing like a sailor, and being my general asshole self until December 21st, 2012. After that I will work on being a better person who doesn't smoke. I will continue to drink and swear. That will never change.

I also will not be expanding my family in the year 2012, because I'd like to not be knocked up if the world ends. For some reason I'm just not a fan of that idea.

Do you know how many babies will be born in September of 2013? A fucking shitload.

And do you know what the grocery stores will be like the weeks before the impending supposed apocalypse? A zoo. And all the canned stuff and bottled water will be gone.

Bottled water won't help when you explode or you get swallowed into the earth via a gigantic hole.

Or maybe it will be zombies. Who knows. I should probably read more about zombies so I'm prepared for anything. Right now, I'm prepared to drink and maybe die. I should also be prepared to fight zombies.

Anyway. No diets in 2012, because you might die!

I'm a Porn Star... I Mean Bombshell

2011-12-07T08:20:00.001-05:00

I went to the mall on Monday with a friend (from my Jan Mommas group) and we went into Victoria's Secret and decided we needed to try on the Bombshell bra. You know the one that makes your boobs 2 sizes bigger.

If you've been reading for a while you know that I am already stacked. Last thing I need is my boobs to be 2 sizes bigger.

And in our Jan Mommas group I am known for bitchy remarks, being awesome and funny but most of all my boobs.

Regardless here are the pictures. (Anticipating lots of sexual related searches today. FML).

excuse me, I ate many pretzels and drank a large soda. boobs from the side

Anyway yeah. If you are a member of the itty bitty titty committee I reccommend this bra. Well I'm not sure if it would be good if you were literally flat. But if you just had small ones, it would be nice. If you are like me... It's ridiculous.

And you look like a porn star.
Just call me Krista Sparkles (Sparkles because of vajazzling).

Be Careful, That Girl Might Be A Hooker

2011-12-06T08:04:00.005-05:00

I've written a post about a hooker I once knew before, but deleted it, because I was like shit, I'd feel bad if people figured out it was her. But basically everyone who knew her at Ft. Lewis ended up finding out she was hooker and she has since moved. I also wrote an abbreviated version of the hooker story here. But I didn't get into much detail. And this is one of my favorite stories to tell friends.

So I blame my friend Anne from Confessions Of A Disgruntled Army Wife for bringing the hooker into the lives of many.
She met her the summer all of our husbands started deploying, on Facebook. Their husbands were some of the first to deploy I think. Whatever, not important to the story.
So I met The Hooker on Jess from the newly rechristened A Soldier's Wife...'s 21st birthday. It was also the first time Jess met her.
Well I was like who is she and why is she wearing a football jersey to go out to lunch when we are all dressed cute? That was my first impression. That and she talked about Jack in the Box tacos a lot.

I will say this, Hookers have good taste in wine, she is the one who clued me into how delicious moscato is.

Carrying on, I'm not sure how we all became friends with her but she came part of the core group of girls I spent the beginning of deployment with. She was a very sweet girl, although she became less so as time went on.
Some things about her made me uneasy, most notably the fact that her marriage apparently "started out" as a contract marriage but they realized later that they "were in love." (In case you don't know a contract marriage is apparently not unheard of in the military, a soldier marries some one so that person can have health insurance and the soldier can collect BAH).
They met through and ad on craigslist.

There were major, obvious red flags that I missed in my naivete. Like the fact that she "worked at a hotel near SeaTac" and "got paid $500 under the table just to show up".
She also claimed to be a digital assistant, at first she was a digital assistant to an investment banker, but after learning that my uncle is an investment banker she changed her tune and said she was a digital assistant to a real estate lawyer... Even though Anne was working on becoming a paralegal, and Jess had a real estate license.
There was also the time that Jess and I showed up at her house after she had been saying how awful of a day she had, and walked in to find some random dude (whose name she couldn't even pronounce) hanging out there. He lived there for a couple of weeks. Quote from Jess "He wanted the girlfriend experience".

Anyway, I kind of got skeeved out by the guy staying with her while her husband was away. She claimed he was an ex. But it was obvious that something was going on.
But I pushed it to the back of my mind and spent Thanksgiving at her house with Anne and Jess. How we ate there and didn't get scabies I will never know, because you can't turn a ho into a housewife. And girl was a shitty housekeeper. She bought a new dog and he pooped EVERYWHERE. And her house was just very dirty. (Side note, like I said she was sweet and she would often drop off baked goods at friend's houses, unfortunately because her house was dirty they were rarely eaten).

Anyway we had a falling out because I told her not to call me when she was wandering the commissary because it wasted my minutes with her just wanting to be on the phone so people wouldn't talk to her, even though she wasn't talking to me either.

After our falling out is when things got clear, my friend K told me a tale that I will never forget.
Long story short, K was out with her husband and some guys in his unit, and ran into Anne and the Hooker. The Hooker in true hooker form was talking to the new guys while Anne chatted with K and K's husband. After Anne and the Hooker left one of the guys revealed that the hooker told him that she was a "companion" and gave him her rates.
Hooker.

Things all started to make sense... No wonder she never was actually "working" and had tons of cash to throw around. And the hotel story.

A month or two later, my friend Rachael from Robots Ate My Grandma had a story for me (and the rest of our friends) that she was surfing Craigslist and came upon an ad that was a guy looking for someone to escort him on a business trip. Said person had to be willing to do ass to mouth, be subordinate, and all sorts of other shit that I have no idea what it is because I'm sheltered, and he would pay for the hotel, flights and $2000...
The Hooker (who was no longer friends with Anne or Jess by this point, but still talked to Rachael) was like "Oh Rach, I have a business trip, I'm making $2000 just to fly out there and do this! Can you watch my dog?"
Rachael is no idiot. She put 2 and 2 together. And told us all.

Then our husbands came home. And the Hooker and her husband moved. We still don't know if he knows his wife hooks or not.

there is a hooker in this picture.. hint it's not the girl in the back with their curly hair. That's me.

And here are some quotes and thoughts from people who knew the hooker
From Rachael: her fucked up teeth that throw up gang signs.
From Jess: my thoughts on *name withheld*, to sum it up, are that she's the definition of that old saying "you can't make a whore a housewife"...and as much as you polish a piece of shit, it's still a piece of shit. its just a piece of shit in a shiny red *make of car withheld*, with "BITCH" keyed into the side ;)
From Anne: I actually am not the one who sold her out but then again I would have eventually once I found out about it. (In reference to me asking if it's cool that I blame her for introducing us all to the hooker)

you should probably vote before I slip even more.

Karina's Childhood

2011-12-05T07:38:00.000-05:00

Will be different than mine.
I didn't grow up an Army brat. But my baby will.
I grew up in the same town as my dad. And I lived there from the time I was 5 until I was 20. (If you don't count college).
I grew up and went to school with the same people for 12 years, plus kindergarten.
I've had some friends since I was 5. And when I go to visit my parents I still meet up with them.
And we keep in touch via Facebook and Twitter.

But Karina most likely will not have this. We are a military family, and my husband will more than likely stay in for 20 years. By the time he is out she will be almost 13. Right in the middle of middle school.
And moving every 2-3 years, going to school with other kids who move every 2-3 years, her friendships will be fleeting, though hopefully she will have a few she will stay in touch with.
But who knows if she will get to see her friends once we move/they move.

And this makes me sad. While I know she will make friends being an army brat and some will be lifelong friends, they won't be the kids she grew up with, who remember her awkward stage, the time she burned her toe with a straightening iron, how she failed her driving test twice (just me?), and all the things you share when you grow up together.

I know growing up a military brat will have some great benefits for her. She will learn to make friends easily (hopefully), she may get to live in different countries, she will truly see her father for the hero he is, she will probably see her mother (me) as a strong independent woman while her father is on deployment.

She won't have one place to call home. I can go "home" at anytime and it's a home filled with memories and where I lived most of my life. Karina has already had 2 homes and she isn't even a year old yet.
Sure home will be where ever we are, it just won't be like when I go to my hometown and I know where everything is like the back of my hand and know the majority of the locals. Hopefully she can establish the "hometown" feeling where ever we end up settling.

This post was brought to you by a conversation I had with my good friend Alex (one of my BFFs since 6th grade) and David the Gnome.

night before pep rally, 2005

A Plea To Bloggers

2011-12-04T08:33:00.001-05:00

If you have a music player on your blog, remove it.
It's annoying. No one wants to hear "In da club" or "If I Die Young" when they click on your page. This can be a way to lose followers. I won't lie, I've unfollowed people with shitty taste in music/with obnoxious music players I couldn't shut off.
This isn't myspace. I don't think you need to relate your blog posts to Fall Out Boy's latest. (Does Fall Out Boy even exist anymore? does it matter? Here is a video...)

You're welcome for this blogging tip. And the trip down memory lane.

Hair & Blog Transformation.

2011-12-03T07:59:00.002-05:00

Oh did you notice my fancy new blog?
Specifically my fancy new header? My friend Brittany from Uh oh Owen made all my dreams come true with camo colored letters. And I love her. And she even got my favorite thing ever in there... Leopard print.
And I changed my blog around to match it. And it looks nice now.
And no longer ghetto.

I also changed my hair this week.

on Thanksgiving, my hair was long and blonde.

The day after Thanksgiving I chopped off 8 inches.

And when I got home I dyed it darker.

And there you have it.

Inside Toshi's Head

2011-12-02T07:58:00.008-05:00

This is Toshi, my first baby.

And this is what goes on in his head

OMFuck.. Don't people need to pass some kind of test before they can adopt a dog? Seriously.

Great now I have to share my food and cage with this runt. She pees in my space. I'm just going to pee on all your human friends for revenge.

This dumb ho-bag couldn't even train the little dog to sit, I guess I have to be the one to take up the slack and teach this... thing to be a real dog.

These Mo'Fos don't even check the perimeter and tell other dogs where to shove it. Guess I have to jump on the couch and poke my head through these window things and let them know what's up. Why do I have to do everything.

So you yell at me for taking a dump in the house but this thing can go wherever she wants? Yeah you better change her.

What do you think I am? A babysitter? Jeeze lady, take care of your pup. Where is the rest of your litter?

Now you're too lazy to even let us out and you have to teach the little one how to do it? Fuck woman, you are a mess. Get a grip.

Obviously Toshi is an asshole.

Teen Mom Lied To Me

2011-12-01T08:04:00.007-05:00

I thought being a mom would glamorous and that I'd be teeny-tiny days after giving birth.
I thought I'd have time for things like going tanning, getting hair extensions, actually styling my hair, etc.
I thought I would end up making tons of money just raising my kid. I also thought babies were practically free.

I was wrong. Apparently to take advantage of these things you need to get knocked up as a teenager.

Because being a mom is not glamorous, my favorite fleece is typically covered in snot and drool, it took 6 weeks to get back to normal size (hate me), I'm pasty white, don't have hair extensions, and I've always been too lazy to style my hair. I also am not making tons of money. And babies are expensive.

Getting knocked up at 21 is just a little too old for MTV to give a shit. Which sucks. I'm way cuter than most of those girls. And smarter too. And funnier.

Though I win because I can buy wine after a particularly long day. (As in I don't have to find a packie to buy my booze, I can buy it myself).

Also Teen Mom 2 starts next week. I plan to celebrate in style. And I need to come up with a drinking game.

I Want To Be Forever Young

2011-11-30T07:28:00.002-05:00

A post dedicated to some ridiculous stories about my grandparents. Sometimes my mom and I will 3 way call my grandmother just to hear the ridiculous things that come out of her mouth. We bust her balls for using words like "dungarees" "slacks" and "tonic".

my grandparents

I don't remember the context but last week she was telling us about meeting a cop who looked like "lesbo to go." And then it was about crack dens. She kept saying crack dens. I'm still not entirely sure how that was relevant to anything. But it was there.

On Thanksgiving, my uncle had a story for us about my grandmother who apparently either forgot to tell us or was embarrassed.
She was coming home from my parents house the week before and caused a head on collision. No joke. She kept driving like nothing happened though she "thought" she heard something. And went on her merry way.
Then the cops came to my grandparents house and talked to my uncle. (Maybe this was the lesbo to go?).
My grandmother claims she did not cause the accident but both parties said it was her fault. The way the story sounds, she ran a light.

me and Karina, my mom, my grandmother, and great-grandmother

She also only drinks percolated coffee. So apparently about a week ago she was percolating coffee on her stove while wearing a bathrobe and caught herself on fire and didn't realize it until she found a black hole in her robe.
She was mostly upset she ruined her robe.

My grandfather is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and obviously often forgets things. My grandmother will send him out to the store and tells him to get chocolate cake.
And he comes home with the chocolate cake, and she is like "I told you to get white cake" and makes him go back out.
Just so she can get him out of the house and out of her hair.

My grandmother also doesn't know how to use her computer, and often asks me over the phone how to use it. But she doesn't understand what I'm talking about. Once I told her to turn off her internet thing and she was like "But don't people need it?" Yes. She thought if she flipped the little switch the whole internet would be out. For everyone.

Hopefully I'm this funny when I'm old. But I'd rather be young forever.

We get new awesome stories daily, but most involve skeletons in our closets that we shouldn't discuss over the internet. Or would embarrass my grandmother. Or make me look like an asshole.

And here is a picture of me blogging. So you can get a visual.

I'm sure this explains a lot.

Sensa Challenge

2011-11-29T07:41:00.001-05:00

So if you read this blog you know I'm a vain bitch who likes to be skinny.
And eating cookies and complaining about your fat ass isn't going to make you lose weight. Sometimes you have to put the twinkie down and get off your ass.

Well I was recently contacted by Sensa a company that makes weight loss products.
It is not a diet, you get these little boxes of "sprinkles" that you sprinkle on your food, there is a salty side and a sweet side. They are supposed to help you feel full quicker.
I already know that it will help me with portion control because I'm not about to sprinkle this into a bag of cheese curls.
I also got a bag of Sensa chews and a box of Sensa Quench which you put in your water.
I'm pretty excited to try this and be the only person losing weight during the holidays while everyone else gets fat.
It seems really easy. And all of the reviews about Sensa seem positive.

here is what I got.

So here we will state my weight as of 11/28 and I'll check back in about it in a month. I weigh 135 lbs (the most I've weighed since Karina was 4 months old, yikes! Apparently too much cake over the long weekend!) Here's hoping to losing some weight!

What I Did This Long Weekend

2011-11-28T08:06:00.001-05:00

Because it's 9 pm on Sunday night and I just got home, and I'm too tired, I will post pictures.

on our way to Mimi's, an 8 hour drive took 12 because the GPS is an asshole

this was one of the centerpieces, and I loved it so much my mom let me keep it.

one of my ft lewis favorites came for Thanksgiving dinner, which was awesome!

this is in my hometown on Sunday am, a turkey that survived the Thanksgiving slaughter. Notice how skinny he is? I think he went anorexic so no one would want him.

I have many stories and had many random thoughts on the long ass drive, expect awesomeness this week.

While You Hookers Are Camping Out For Black Friday

2011-11-25T08:17:00.003-05:00

And possibly getting shanked, shanking people, breaking bones etc. all so you can get that netbook or whatever it is that has an awesome Black Friday deal...
I will be getting a hair cut. My hair is a long scraggly mess. And the blonde has got to go.
I'll also be watching Breaking Dawn Pt. 1. This time I hopefully won't have some dude with TB sitting behind me, or a teenage girl telling me I'm old.
I also probably won't be shouting obscenities at teenagers.
Such is the life when you have a baby, you miss all the good stuff at the midnight showing of Twilight movies.

Enjoy freezing your nads off outside, I will be nice and toasty watching hot werewolves and a skank who can't act.
Black Friday scares me. Is anything really that good of a deal you are willing to get shanked?

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T08:30:00.001-05:00

Did you know there are turkeys in Mexico?
Now you do!

Comcast Is Racist.

2011-11-23T06:54:00.001-05:00

Yeah. I said it.
Last week when checking my mail imagine my confusion when I saw this:

Yes. That is written in Russian. (A friend of mine who can read Russian says it basically says: "Now you can watch your favorite channel in Russian on XFINITY Better russian entertainment channels- more channels, more control for you." To which I said "In Soviet Russia, you don't change channel, channel change you!")
Comcast made the assumption that because my husband has basically the most ridiculously Russian name you can have that he must be able to read Russian.
So they send him Russian mail.
Which is kind of presumptuous. And rude. I mean, he can't read or write Russian. What if this highly insulted him and made him feel awful for being illiterate in Russian? And it sent him into a spiral of depression, because now he's almost too old to learn.
They better not send all of our mail in Russian now, what if we miss deals because we can't read this crap?

So, Comcast. You are racist.

You Live, You Learn, You Cut Your Nails

2011-11-22T07:56:00.001-05:00

Yeah so I usually grow my nails pretty long and keep them long until the break.
This doesn't work so well with a baby.
You know the usual possibly poking a baby in the eye and all that.
I have something worse though. I had poop under my fingernails.
What the hell. Gross.
Poop. Under. My. Nail.
And who knows how long it was there. You can wash your hands like 10 times but you cant get shit (literally) out from under your nail unless you scrub it out.
Now I have short nails.

I'm Too Attractive To Be A Pageant Mom

2011-11-21T08:19:00.001-05:00

So since I found out I was having a girl, my mom has been (hopefully) joking that I should put her in pageants so she can be on Toddlers & Tiaras.

Well I'm here to tell you this, after watching a marathon of that brain melting shit, I am WAY too attractive to be a pageant mom.

love the straight bangs and curly rest of the hair.

I don't fit any of the criteria, which seems to include: being morbidly obese, living through your child, dressing like it's the 80s, sounding uneducated, naming your kid something ridiculous like Tynsel, letting your money maker/child act like a brat and being a general trashbag.

So Karina will not be a pageant baby. Sad, because she could totally beat some of those little brat bastards.

doing thier daughter's dance routines while they are onstage counts as working out

And also, who the fuck judges those things? Like are they judging based on which girls look the least like little girls? Or who looks completely different with make up on?

I hate calling kids ugly, actually I don't but some of these kids are fugly (like thier moms) and if the judges saw them before make up, they would never win.

seriously? cone fake boobs on a flat chested CHILD

I don't understand this beauty pageant thing. I'm all about being pretty, but caking make up on a 2 year old isn't pretty, it's gross. I like natural beauty. If I were a judge on one of these things, all the girls would get 0's especially the girls in glitz pageants.
Those are the worst. It's like extra make up, dress up your little girl like a hoochie and teach her to shake it like she has to feed a family of 6 (which she might, these pageants are expensive, and if they don't win, no food for them. Probably).

this girl is 4. and her mom padded her chest.

And I'm not sure how to feel when a 7 year old in her pageant make up looks older than I do.

Who Can Resist

2011-11-20T09:11:00.000-05:00

A happy little munch in pigtails and zebra print?

I Refuse To Believe That I Have A 10 Month Old

2011-11-18T08:23:00.003-05:00

I wonder every month, but HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?
She can't be 10 months. Can't be.
My prediction from last month, that she would be cruising was correct. And I think she will stand unassisted any day now.

mid cruising

She finally has enough hair for pig tails

I think she will be on the binky til after 1 year old, she is like an addict with the thing.
When I go to get her in the morning she is always standing up in her crib.
Her crib that she decided is a chew toy. Good thing I didn't buy an expensive crib or I'd freak out.
And we got her a big girl car seat.

She still refuses to hold her own bottle and thinks the sippy cup is a toy.
She's still the cutest baby, probably ever.

Pregnancy Test Freak Out

2011-11-17T08:05:00.002-05:00

I'm on the implanon, and one of the side effects is no more vag bleeding. I have this side effect, so I therefore take a pregnancy test every month. I go cheap and buy the 99 cent ones at the commissary.
This weekend I took one and got this result:

That if you can't tell is a random curved line on a pregnancy test. I freaked out. Though it was not where the positive line would go. (I later determined it might be caused from the shower I took after I dripped some pee on it).
So all day I freak out and am like shit shit shit. Because I do NOT want another kid right now. At all.
Then I decide I better pick out names (top secret, yo) and figure out what kind of double stroller is best, side by side or the other kind whatever it's called. And I was like fuck I sold the swing and the rock n play.
Then I finally get my unhappy ass to a store and buy a 3 pack of idiot proof pregnancy tests, also known as digital.
Finally get the balls to pee on the damn thing, and get this:

And then I drank some wine.

I won't lie I was slightly maybe disappointed, and I may currently be reconsidering my one and done stance.

But man, seeing not pregnant was such a relief.

Boots With The Fur

2011-11-16T08:27:00.002-05:00

(Wordless Wednesday, the laziest day of the week for bloggers)

A gift from my mother in law.

People Who Claim To Hate Drama Seem To Have The Most

2011-11-15T08:29:00.002-05:00

So as a person with a vagina, my half of the population has a lot of what is known as "drama" this means basically making everything in your life into a huge problem (girl: OMG I wanted wheaties but the store only had total Friend: OMG that is horrendous, you should sue), exaggerating everything in life, It sometimes includes gossiping and smack talk. Why am I explaining, unless you live under a rock you know what I'm talking about.

But the majority of the be-vagina'd (be-gina'd?) population claims to hate drama. They don't.

If the majority of women disliked drama, there would be none and we'd be men.

Who had nothing to talk about besides shoes and purses and vaginas and boobs.

The women/girls/trannies who claim to hate drama are usually the ones who have the most drama in thier life. They'll be like "I hate drama so much!" and then go on to be like "MY LIFE SUCKS BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME FOR A MAN" and then you'll hear that this girl was sleeping with another girl's boyfriend anyway, and then he gave her crabs. (that? is drama). But she totally hates drama, and never started any when she slept with her friend's boyfriend. Obviously.

The most dramatic of the drama people are people who play the victim, because they hate drama and why is everyone so mean to them? It's because they bring it on themselves, if they really hated drama instead of complaining and playing the victim they would get shit done, and be the opposite of victim (murderer? assailant? I have no idea). But because they love drama they want to be the victim.

So when I was trying to find a picture for this post, I found this it is called the Karpman Drama Triangle

These girls also typically claim that they don't get along with other girls. This is because they are overly dramatic. But they tell people "Other girls just don't like me because of x." (Reasons like I'm prettier, guys like me more, I'm smarter etc. because saying that isn't going to cause trouble)

Most girls enjoy a little drama and gossip. Not to excess, but enough for entertainment. So the girls who are all drama all problems, all the time? Don't last long in groups of other females. Because we don't want to talk about other people all the time, we want to talk about shoes and vaginas. And blow jobs.

So the girls who don't fit in with other girls because they are just problem after problem after problem and always the victim are the ones who "hate drama." Drama is actually thier whole life. So I guess it is safe to say they hate thier life.

It's very ironic.

Normal people may have some drama, or go through a period of excess shit once in a blue. This is not to be confused with the drama "haters" who really just cause it.

Think Regina George from Mean Girls. She is a classic drama "hater"

What I Think When I See Certain Things On Facebook

2011-11-14T08:39:00.023-05:00

Your main picture is of your dog: I may think a few things... 1. Either you gained weight and don't want to be seen 2. If you are ugly I will think "Oh wow this person always has pictures of dogs as thier main picture, woof" 3. You are unreasonably obsessed with dogs. (Note: for xmas last year I had my picture as Tasha in antlers, I was also 23524 months pregnant. And fat.)]

You have a "joint" facebook with your significant other: I think that one of you doesn't trust the other to have thier own Facebook or you are ridiculously codependent. Sorry, but Facebook isn't something that is meant to be shared with another person. You have your own friends and so does your significant other.

You post your relationship drama all over facebook: I think you are stupid. Seriously. Posting on Facebook about every aspect of your love life is stupid. And not good for your relationship. You look like a moron when you post "Jimmy's a fucking cuntsuckingroadwhore he's calling up tons of girls" at 3:17 pm and then you post "Jimmy is the best boyfriend EVER and he's all mine, suck it sluts who talk to him" at 6:39 pm. Like reading this stuff makes me 25% dumber, but it makes me think you are dumb for beleiving that he isn't talking to these girls on his own accord. Whatever.

When married people get into a fight and put thier relationship status as "it's complicated": Sorry bitches a fight over whether to watch Dancing With the Stars vs. Pawn Stars doesn't make you less married.

When you copy and paste chain status': Again I think you are stupid. I wrote about that here. Also all the posts that are like "post this to raise awareness for (insert disease here)" annoy the shit out of me. That is called slactivism. If you want to do something, get out your fucking wallet and donate money. Like all the post the color of your bra, where you put your purse, the month of your birthday is a city and put you are going to that city in the number of days as your birthdate, but don't tell the guys! Um how is not telling half of the population raising awareness?

Debbie Downer updates: Everything you post is negative like "Oh damn, my shoe lace broke FML" and "It's raining everywhere, even in my head :(" Honestly, I want you shut the fuck up. And I want to punch you in the face so you have something legitimate to complain about. That or I want to give you some uppers.

When you post your family problems or financial problems: I think you are white trash. Because you should never trash talk your family on the internet, it's family. Unless the person raped, murdered etc. keep it in the family. Your uncle might be a douche for sleeping with your boyfriend, but you don't need to post it on facebook, or anywhere. And posting about money is trashy. Period. It looks like you are looking for a hand out when you say "We are so broke we cant even afford (stupid luxury product)". There are people who really can't afford basic necessities. So shut up.

When you can't write in normal english: I think you belong on myspace and that you're uneducated. Same for TyPiNg LyKe DiZ. Misspelling words on purpose is never cool.

lamebook.com

Yeah I wish I could post from my own facebook friend's list. But I don't want to offend (anymore than I already have).

When you ask for prayers: Honestly, it's usually for stupid shit like "my kid/husband/dog has a runny nose, everyone pray we don't all get sick" or "my vagina itches, pray it's not the crabs again." And this makes people jaded, to the point when I skim and see prayers in anything I skip it. Which is sad because there are people asking for prayers and good thoughts towards things deserving of it, like some one is really sick with cancer, or some one just died. I don't know. But I won't be praying for your STD test to come back negative.

A Fashion Post? What the What?

2011-11-11T08:29:00.005-05:00

So the Barbarian and I finally have another show we both enjoy. Pan Am. It has espionage, love stories, international travel and drama. In short, something for everyone.
What else is there that I love? The clothes. Seriously.
Watching this show makes me wish I lived in the early 60s. The clothes are AWESOME.
I love that ladies look like ladies and still look sexy with out being skanky.
I love that they always wear dresses, and not the super short dresses that are cool right now.
The make up is not really my thing. But you win some, you lose some.
I unfortunately couldn't find a frontal picture of Laura's wedding gown which is my all time favorite wedding dress but I did find this

http://fabulousdoodles.blogspot.com/2011/10/bridal-costume-illustration-pam-am.html

Here some of my other favorite looks from the show

Look at the waist of that dress, that would be so flattering on anyone.

This just screams glamour. The color is to die for.

Can you imagine just going out for the day dressed like this? Sends a whole different message than going out in yoga pants... no?

And I can't find pictures of 2 of my other favorite outfits. The one Laura wore when she went to Harlem with Ted, and the one she wore when she went to jail in Rio.

Seriously why did fashion have to change? Everyone looks so put together, men in suits, women in skirts/dresses and heels. It's awesome.
Seriously these days wearing jeans when you go to the grocery store is considered "dressed up" which is ridiculous.
Soon after this show is taking place/as this show is taking place timewise, is when the whole hippie thing started.
So I blame hippies for ruining this. Hippies indirectly started the pajamas in public trend.

Seriously. Everyone should watch this show.

Its on ABC on Sunday. Not sure on time. We DVR.

And Happy Veteran's Day to all those who served and continue to serve and protect our country!

The Typical Military Wife

2011-11-10T08:22:00.005-05:00

So obviously I'm an army wife. (Despite some commenters on my glitter graphics who believe otherwise).

Back in the day when I first got married I checked out a few army wife groups on FB (because I had no idea what I had gotten myself into), and it was overrun with glitter graphics and girls with names like Jane Soon2bArmyWife Smith and Betty LovesHerSoldiersxoxo Jones and there were a ton of girls who had profile pictures of things like graphics of dog tags over heart that was half camo, or sayings like "I make his dog tags jingle."
And I was like oh fuck.
Is this what everyone is like when you marry a soldier?

The answer I've come to is that no, not everyone is like that.

But there are quite a few wives who are. You will see them out in their "ARMY WIFE" shirts and/or their husband's gear. Some wear their husband's rank. Some have literally nothing else going for them other than their role as an army/air force/marine/navy/coast guard wife.

So you will never mistake that they are married to a civilian they not only carry an ACU purse, they wear their husband's clothes, cover their cars in bumper stickers about whatever branch they are affiliated with and "Proud Wifey of a ________" stickers, wear their husband's dog tags

Qualities of the typical (stereotypical) military spouses include (but are not limited to):
-go out in pajamas,
-have 2 tone hair/hair that is a ridiculously unnatural color,
-sell scentsy/pampered chef/passion party/party lite/mary k/avon,
-have glitter graphics all over their facebook, are probably still on myspace also
-incorporate the fact they are a military spouse into their name on FB,
-are super fertile,
-have a ton of kids they don't take care of (this is what it seems like at the commissary/px anyway)
-they usually have this large number of children by their 24th birthday,
-be generally trashy,
-ask for things like formula for free on the yard sale sites (example, lewisyardsales.com),
-sell the stuff they get from WIC (I am 100% supportive of WIC, but 100% unsupportive of those using it to sell what they get),
-be very young and therefore not very educated (fact if you get married at 18 the highest level of education you completed is high school, you can go on to do more, but as of then you haven't and high school isn't higher education, sorry, not saying you are stupid, just saying lack of higher education)
-as a result of their youth they are unable to do things like pay bills when their husband leaves, cook, know how to keep up a house,
-they are also more than likely overweight,
-but wear skanky clothes regardless, that is when they aren't wearing their husband's PTs,
-enjoy calling their husbands COC for stupid reasons (because obviously the chain of command cares that you are pissed he is getting home after 6 or whatever lame complaint you have),
-many are former "barracks bunnies" (aka girl who hung around the barracks and slept with a bunch of soldiers in the same unit/company)
-barracks bunnies are often also tag chasers, and many milspouses are former tag chasers, aka women who only date guys in the military. I have heard tales of tag chasers on their 4th military marriage, and used to have a girl on my friends list who in the 1 year she was there had 3 soldiers as fiances, and was pregnant at least 4 times.
-refuse to work (well maybe they sell some worthless shit, see above) but
-complain about being broke all the time,
-spend all their husband's paycheck (usually on payday) on useless worthless garbage (probably more proud ____ wife paraphernalia)
-since she is broke all the time, she can't get a babysitter and brings her children (usually obnoxious due to lack of parenting/shitty job of parenting) to everything including but not limited late night parties, passion parties, dinners with friends, very drunken adult parties, porn shops, etc.
-complain about everything.
(thanks to my FB "fans" specifically Britt and Christina for helping me with this list)

We call this the dependopotamus (or if you are at the commissary on a pay day, commissary bison)

Luckily, although these types are seen as the "typical" military spouse, they are not the majority, it just seems like it because they are much more obnoxious. And therefore stand out more.

I've met my fair share of dependopotamus' but have never befriended one. There were enough normal wives to be friends with.

Most wives I meet are awesome and normal, and it blows my mind that military wives have this awful stereotype. But not really, because like i said, there are wives like that. It just sucks that the idiocy overshadows the awesome.

And the other ones were scary. And trashy. I don't like trashy. So I guess I don't like the typical (stereotypical) military wives.

Facebook Can Suck My Weiner

2011-11-09T08:37:00.004-05:00

I also need to stop using the word weiner.

But this whole "subscribe" thing on facebook is super annoying.
My aunt's ex boyfriend tried to friend me and when I denied, he subscribed. I never even met the fucker.
And I have no idea what you can see by subscribing, but it's disconcerting.
I'm pretty sure he can't see anything I post since all my stuff is private. Except last night's FB post where I called him out for being a fucking creep.
Seriously. I hate some FB features.
Like when people tag themselves in my pictures, or share my pictures on thier wall. I want to kick them in the balls.

Or when I write a status and people take it seriously. Shut the fuck up.
Then I unfriend them for not being able to take a joke.

Facebook also owns my soul

Is This A Sign Of Things To Come?

2011-11-08T08:15:00.007-05:00

The only 2 videos that my child will watch intently and not take her eyes off are "Sexy and I Know It" by LMFAO and "Superbass" by Nikki Minaj.

Have you seen the LMFAO video? It is basically all bouncing junk. My daughter can not get enough of this video. I could put it on five times in a row. And she will not stop looking at the screen. At all. I'm hoping she just likes the song.

Seriously, this will not be cute at 16. At all. Right now we think it's hysterical she is so mesmerized by these songs.

We think she likes the bright colors right now.

I know right now she has no idea what she is looking at, but I wonder if we are scarring her for life with bouncing weiners all the time. She loves it though. Such a conundrum.

Also how the fuck did the LMFAO video happen? Did they walk into a boardroom to discuss the concept for the video and be like "Yeah I want to wear a speedo and make my dick bounce, then we want to have a dance off, but not really dancing, mostly cock bouncing. And we want Ron Jeremy to make an appearance." Seriously. I love it.

Also she is a hipster who wears jeggings.

and eats the newly baby proofed coffee table

I also hope she doesn't take fashion cues from Nikki Minaj, even if I often say I wish I was a mix of Nikki Minaj and Ke$ha.

Barbaric Tantrums And An Awful Movie

2011-11-07T19:38:00.002-05:00

So my husband likes to out of nowhere say "Hey you ready to watch a movie?"
Tonight (Sunday) it was as I was sitting down to blog.
And I had already said I didn't want to watch a movie, because his mom is visiting, and she didn't like either choice, and I didn't want to torture her.
So I respond with "fuck no, never, no movies"

So he throws a tantrum. He gets all huffy when the baby monitor made the freaky out noise it makes when a cell phone is near it, and slams his phone on the opposite end of the table, like a 5 year old would.
And then picks it back up to play online poker, and scowls like a child at the screen.
This behavior pisses me off.

So I abandon the blog, and go sit on the couch and say "Turn on the movie, motherfucker" and he does. The movie was Melancholia, and the beginning montage of slow motion idiocy with some classical music was like 15 minutes. And I kept asking to fast forward because I was bored.

And then it started. And I was absorbed with Facebook on my phone and not paying attention so I missed a lot. But not really because it sucked. The girl had melancholia and some made up planet named Melancholia was about to smash into earth.

But it took like an hour and a half for that shit to come out.
Before all that though there was the shittiest wedding day ever. Everyone was being an asshole to the bride )chick with melancholia) and I was like I'd be so pissed if that was my wedding to Eric from TrueBlood (he was the groom).

Blah blah lame non-plot, and The Barbarian is like "I can shut this off"

Oh no you don't motherfucker, you made a huge deal about watching a movie and you are going to finish it.

And I made him finish it.

And that is 2 hours and 7 minutes of my life I will never get back. But I held my ground. You don't piss me off. You won't win.

Barbaric husbands are still learning.

I Guest Posted TWICE

2011-11-06T23:23:00.000-05:00

I guest posted at Growing Up Geeky

this is my post about not being lame just because you had a baby

And at the How To Mommy for Mommy's Must Have Monday. this is my must have

And you should follow these ladies if you aren't already!

Things Karina And The Barbarian Have In Common

2011-11-04T08:10:00.001-04:00

Both enjoy slobbering on my face

They both like to grab my hair. Mostly to piss me off.

They both make huge messes.

Both laugh at inappropriate things, and things that are not funny.

They are both mouth breathers in thier sleep.

And they apparently have me trained because I take this shit.

The Barbarian Had Surgery. His Doctor Was Obviously a Man

2011-11-03T08:00:00.002-04:00

I probably mentioned the fact that the Barbarian got nerve damage on our trip out here from resting his arm on the car door thing while driving. He'd be like man this hurts and keep doing it.
Then his ring and pinky fingers went numb. And he went to the Dr. and the Dr. was like "Oh hey you need surgery.
So he got his surgery on Halloween, and is in a cast type thing for 10 days. Awesome. But more on that later.
He came home with discharge papers. This is part of what they said:

Do you see that? He isn't cleared for housework or basically anything... But he is cleared for sex. He can't take a shower, but he can have sex? No. Thanks.

So he can't fucking do anything but he can try to get in my pants and that's okay.

His doctor was obviously a man. Like seriously, his arm is in a cast from the shoulder down. That is awkward.

And he is milking this whole cripple thing. I have to tie his fucking tracksuit pants (not a joke, he has one working hand)

For dinner the night of his surgery he wanted hot dogs, because they are easy to eat one handed... I happily obliged him.

Then he asked me to make this special onion sauce they put on hotdogs in New York.

This happens at like 5. This sauce takes 2 hours to make. Are you kidding? Do you think I'm a short order cook? I am not.

He did not get special onion sauce.

I can only imagine what the next monthish holds during his recovery as that was only the first day.

November Sponsor Spotlight

2011-11-02T07:59:00.002-04:00

This month I have some fantastic sponsors.

The lovely Amy who made my "Vajazzle this" button. A stay at home mom of two girls who decided to use her free time to make headbands, bows and tutus.

This is Abbey, and her life really is complicated, she got married to a soldier, got a divorce, joined the army herself, got back with her ex, then split again, went to basic where she found out she was pregnant, got back with her ex, had a complicated pregnancy with quite a few scares, split with the ex, and had her beautiful son Kolby. She is never boring, and keeps it real! Definitely one of my favorite blogs to read.

Hi! I'm Mama G from Growing Up Geeky. I am married to M - a mad scientist, and I just became a stay-at-home Mommy to my 10-month-old daughter Carina. M is an oboe playing organic chemist by day and a fearless video game dragon slayer at night. I am a former Math-lete and self-proclaimed domestic failure, and I would rather alphabetize my spice rack than go to the Mall. I think it's safe to say that our baby girl won't have a prayer at being cool. My blog celebrates our quirks and outright geekiness and provides you with a healthy dose of super cute baby.

We are truly a work in progress. A newly packed blog, including the many hardships of raising your first child, adventures we take, life travels, recipes, giveaway items, diy projects and more, that's my blog. I am a full-time work out of the home mom, with a 10 month old daughter. My husband is a full-time real estate agent, and works about 12 - 14 hours a day. Take a peek into my daily life and hopefully we'll learn together the many steps of parenting and the new life that comes with it.

I'm a 20-something (hanging on for a few months more!) mom to the one and only E, married to S and living in the great borough of Brooklyn. I like to blog about E, photography, cooking and other rambles but not necessarily in that order. I'm trying to raise a polite, well-behaved sweet little girl who loves to read and learn new things, and we're getting there one book at a time! I'm also working on becoming more creative and finding my style and "voice" in my photography, which is a slow (and sometimes painful) process.

And last but for sure not least...

Maria Fé of Layers of Meaning and Hello Jack is a new mom with impeccable style and a flair for design. I wish I could have her decorate my house. Her blog Hello Jack is all about her new role as a mom and cute things and awesome products for babies! So basically if you love babies and fashion, her blogs are for you!

I'm a Good Friend. You Might Not Be.

2011-11-01T08:00:00.003-04:00

So I've noticed since becoming more observant and less self absorbed (in public anyway), that women all lie to eachother.
One girl will be like "ZOMG I feel totally fat/ugly etc" and another will be like "NO you look great" when in truth the girl actually has put on a few pounds/looks exhausted/needs to reapply her make up etc., and doesn't look like herself or even all that great. It happens, life is stressful, but why do we lie to eachother?
So this girl is going to go home and be like "Oh I look fine, pint of Ben and Jerry's? Don't mind if I do..." Or she'll go out and buy more crappy blue eyeliner and rim her whole fucking eyes with it (why the fuck do people rim thier inner eyes, it looks fucktarded).
When if her "friend" had told the truth she'd be working out or eating something healthier than Schweddy Balls and/or would learn to apply her make up correctly. And would look decent.

Or a girl who is constantly fucking up relationships, by being stalker-y/clingy/moving too fast/whore-ish etc. and her friend is like "no honey, it's not you. It's them." But everyone, including the friend, knows it's her.
So the girl continues being a complete psycho and/or whore and winds up alone, an old maid, a spinster, some one who uses AIM and myspace, you know in general a sad person. With a lot of cats.
And no penis.

So what the fuck is the deal? Do we just want other women to look like crap? Or do we just not want to hurt other people's feelings?
I live by the adage "You are who your friends are" or "your friends reflect you" so if my friends look like shit, I'm going to tell them, you're welcome. I'm the best friend to have. Ever. And I'm going to shake some sense into you if you act like a nut bag.
If you look like shit? I'll tell you. If you are a man repellent who acts like a psycho? I won't leave you in the dark.
Why? Because I'm a good friend. Aa good friend would tell you when you look like crap and act insane. A bad friend wouldn't. Why you ask?
Because if you are looking shitty, or acting psycho, this gives your friend a leg up, you are less competition for her. She is hotter and more mentally stable than you. You lose.

Here is a diagram of what happens.

Bad friend

Good friend

Because good friends don't lie and want thier friends to be just as hot as them.

Your friends reflect on you and if they look like a bucketful of assholes, well you do too.

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T08:00:00.001-04:00

(even though I hate Halloween and think it's a fake holiday)

I'm too old to dress up like a whore now. So I used paint and stuck my head on a slutty statue. You're welcome.

I hate Halloween. It can suck my dick. Fake holiday. Excuse to dress whore-ish. And I'm like well you act like a whore the rest of the year... so there you go.

Fucking commissary didn't even have skittles. So there is nothing going for Halloween this year.

Social Media Buttons

2011-10-29T13:13:00.001-04:00

So I added buttons for email, facebook, twatter and pinterest, so you can follow me multiple ways. The facebook link takes you to the armywife-style page, instead of having the big facebook thing in the middle of my sidebar.
So follow me on the twatter, like my facebook page and follow my boards on pinterest. (you know pinterest that thing I haven't used in 2 weeks, whoops)
I am awesome for figuring out how to do that at midnight after a bottle of wine.

The Barbarian's Future Career

2011-10-28T07:58:00.000-04:00

You know if he gets out of the Army and decides to something ridiculous...
So one of my dogs (Tasha) is a Yorkie and since it's getting cold we are letting her hair grow.

Unfortunately this also means the hair around her butt is growing. That means dingle berries.

The other day she had a lot, and honestly, I deal with the shit that comes out of our babies ass all day long. I was like I will leave this for the Barbarian and put Tasha in the cage since he'd be home soon.

A little while later he comes home and is greeted with "You get to cut the shit off of Tiny's butt."

So he gets a pair of scissors and gets to work. He is actually really good at it, he made sure it was blended in and didnt look like someone took shears to her behind, he wanted it to look "natural" and boy did it ever.

He was also really good at keeping her calm, she doesn't like getting haircuts or having things near her bum (she cried when we were at the vet and she realized she was going to get her temperature taken in the butt, yeah that happened).

I'm fairly certain he has a career ahead of him in dog bum hair trimming.

But I'm not sure how successful he'd be as I still haven't figured out if Russians eat dogs, and if someone thinks Russians eats dogs, they probably wouldn't bring thier dogs in for a "hygiene trim."

Fall Follower Fest

2011-10-27T17:55:00.001-04:00

Being a Young Mom Is Awesome

2011-10-27T07:56:00.001-04:00

I'm sure you've figured out by now I'm a young mom, I got pregnant when I was 21, had Karina at 22, and am now 23.
I'm not a super young mom, or a teen mom or anything. But I'm young.
And it's awesome.
I love being a young mom and occassionally being confused for a teen mom.

Cast me on teen mom, minus the undereye cicles, teens don't get that shit.

There is this thing going on where people are like, "I'm going to wait til I do this and that before I get knocked to the up" and I was one of them. I wanted to finish school, get a career, go on tons of vacations.... etc.
The only thing I knocked off my list was going to Vegas. But I'm glad because I wouldn't be where I am today with a cute little munch.

I'm cool with it. I'll be doing things in a different order than planned, but hey, you can't plan life. And being a young mom (who is a college drop out) has it's advantages.
The only thing I don't enjoy is the assumption that she was unplanned, an accident, whatever. She wasn't planned per se, but I wasn't on BC at the time she was conceived and knew it was a possibility. As did my husband.
And a lof of people (other mothers, cough) act like you are missing out on stuff by having kids young, and it's like too late, old whore, kid's here. Guess I'm missing out on a lot of stuff by not having tons of drunken nights, and guess it sucks that I'm not dating a series of losers because I already got married.
Everything in motherhood is a competition, including your life before you got pregnant.
Old people will "subtly" check your ring finger when they see you with a baby, just because your marital status is of utmost importance to them.
Anyway those annoyances aside...

Being a young mom is awesome. (So is being a not-so-young mom, so let's not hate, please.)

I'm glad I didn't finish school for my chosen career (fashion merchandising) because that is not something that is very compatible with motherhood.
Doing it my way, I'll be able to choose a major that leads to a career that will work with my plan of being a SAHM and then working mother's hours once Karina is in school, I'm currently leaning towards teacher.
So I'm pretty glad I was a slacker and didn't do the school thing or the work thing before having my baby, because it means I can work my school and career around her.
Because I'd like my main career to be "stay at home mom." (Oh if only this were a paying job.)

When Karina graduates I'll be 39 or will have just turned 40. Depends on if she graduates before or after June 13 of 2028.
So I'll still be youngish, and I'll be an empty nester. European vacation? Around the world? Anything is possible.
And I won't be expected to wear a thong bikini or go nude on these vacations because while still young I won't be in the 20 year old range. So, another plus.

Let's not get all butt hurt over this one... When you are younger you bounce back quicker after having a baby. Hence why I was back to my normal size by 5 weeks.
And then you get the confidence boosting comments like "Oh wow you don't look like you just had a baby!" Which is nice to hear.

Also when you are younger those late nights with a baby aren't so bad because your body is hard wired to be a late night partier.

Oh and your own parents are younger which means they are more willing to babysit and you aren't worried about them breaking hips and shit while babysitting.

When your friends start families, you will be well past that, they will complain about round ligament pain, vaginal secretions, babies not sleeping, sore boobs, and all that. For you those will be a distant memory, and your child will probably be old enough to rub feet at that age, and you can probably bribe him/her with a cookie and get them to rub your knocked up friend's feet. Child labor. I approve.

Not that there aren't negatives to being a younger mother, all of your friends are like "HEY LET'S PARTY" and you're like "dude, I have these hemmorhoids from pushing out a kid, not really in the party mood, oh and who would watch the kid?" And you're like shit, I miss the days I could drink a bottle of vodka and sleep all day.
And you usually don't have as great of a job as you would have if you waited.
Your friends don't have kids so you are like WTF do we talk about now? Spit up and poop aren't interesting to you? Well then, neither is the fact that you got crabs from the guy you met at Kitty O'Sheas.

It all comes back to me accusing people of having crabs. Typical.

Wordless Wednesday

2011-10-26T07:42:00.001-04:00

Mom I want the cookies

So My New House Is Haunted

2011-10-25T08:00:00.001-04:00

So we've lived here almost 3 months now. And some freaky shit has been going on.
Karina's toys will turn on by themselves, our blender has turned on on it's own, the fan will turn on, and the other night the beer caps were popping off the bottles they were resting on.
I don't beleive in the paranormal. Like it freaks me out to see those shows on TV or movies, but I'm like nope it's not real. I don't know what I think all the freaky shit in my house is but I typically chalk it up to other shit.
So on Sunday I sent the Barbarian out to get me the paper and some coffee. And I had my TV on pause and was talking to a friend online. All of a sudden I hear a voice whispering. I'm like WTF and shut off my computer speakers, thinking maybe some creepy Halloween thing popped up. Still hear it.
I listen closely.
It says "Never" twice and "Come here" once.
So I went on a search for a serial killer in my house. (I'd die in a horror movie). My mind always jumps to serial killer. (Karina was safely in her cage with the dogs guarding her, I figured they would protect her).
After no serial killer was found, I was like oh fuck, must be a ghost.

This is a depiction of what happened basically.

And called the Barbarian.
He thinks I'm joking. I only joke about blow jobs. Never ghosts.
So he is like "Do you need me to come home? Tell the ghost I will kick it's ass"
I don't tell him you can't kick an evil spirit's ass, he didn't take Paranormal Activity 2 as seriously as I now do.
So he comes home and we discuss the ghost, he tells me that Ft. Meade was some tanker thing during WWII and maybe our house is built on a burial ground. WTF, how are the two things related? Only in the mind of a Russian.
Anyway. This isn't fucking Poltergeist. I'm fairly certain our house was not built on a cemetary. I mean who the eff does that?
So the Barbarian also suggested that it was a passing ghost, probably going on vacation or something.
Like ghosts go on vacation from scaring the shit out of people.

So I probably need an exorcist, or a book on DIY exorcisms and a bottle of vodka.

You Don't Have A Kid. Shut The Fuck Up

2011-10-24T08:06:00.000-04:00

Oh come on, we all have that one friend (or more in my case) who has no kids but pretends like they know what they are doing with yours, or act like you are doing it wrong. Or act like they understand what it's like to have a kid. They have no idea. But they are know it alls on motherhood. They know how to breastfeed, give birth, feed solids, get babies to be genius', etc. All with out having one. Man if only I knew how to do the things they know how to do. I'd be set. They are better mothers than me...

Oh no. Wait. They aren't mothers.

I have a few friends like this. I have a girl who acts like she knows my kid as well as I do. And had the nerve to call my child a pain in the ass. Excuse you. You aren't that close of a friend. Or a family member, you don't get to say anything about my child when she is GASP acting like a baby. So please keep your shit bag opinions to yourself. It's funny because my child isn't a pain in your ass, because no one asked you to do anything for her. So if anything she is a pain in my ass, but I'm her mother and I'm the one who takes care of her.

One who condescends when discussing certain parenting choices with me, because she knows better, you know reading it in a book makes it true and means it works for everyone. I can't wait until she learns you can't parent from a book. One who acts like she knows all about babies, but when she has played with my baby it's disaster city because she has no idea what she is doing. And then when I go to grab my child out of her arms, she is like "Oh you're such a nervous new mom" and I mean I guess seeing my child at death's door because you are holding her upside down looks like I'm overreacting. FYI I am not.

I also love to hear them say things like "I'll never use a pacifier." Yeah we'll see. I know I said I'd never co-sleep before I had kids, and that is probably the only "never" I stuck with. Or "The girls on 16 and Pregnant all use Dr. Brown's bottles how come you use Evenflo?" Ummm because not all babies can use the same bottles. You don't know about baby products, you don't even want kids.

And that's great, but please don't talk about how gross my kid is because she uses a diaper or can't wipe her own snot. And then look at me disdainfully because I'm just a glorified ass wiper in your eyes. I get it, you think kids are gross. So lets stop hanging out since you think they are disgusting, because unfortunately for you my kid comes with me, unless my husband is around. So if you want to do lunch please don't look shocked that I have snot faced child with me. (It's cold she has a runny nose you heartless hussy)
And the unhelpful advice like "whiskey on the gums" from people with no kids, um no. That is from when we were kids and no it doesn't do anything, but please get your future kids booze. Or "Well I heard that if you let your kid CIO they become serial killers" Where the fuck did you hear that? No seriously. Where.

You are not a parent. You don't get an opinion on how people raise thier kids. You can only judge other parents when you have a kid.

I just want to scream at childless know it alls "Shut the fuck up, you don't know what you're talking about". Unfortunately they will then tell you that you can't swear in front of kids. Because they are stupid and don't understand.